SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 92

Report by D. R. Peddy A prize of £5 was offered for an extract from a speech by a delegate to the annual conferm of a union representing one of

the following : Recidivists, -Sitters, Drones, Literary Com- petitors, Teen-A gers.

A good general standard was reached, but few competitors really approached the prize-winning class„; four who are highly commended are E. Bedwell, A. M. Sayers, N. Hodgson and G. J. Blundell.

As might have been expected, the Literary Competitors' Union provided more entries than any of the others, and one R. Kennard Davis was frequently mentioned by delegates, sometimes, I regret, in the bloodthirstiest of terms. Bertie Wooster was Robert Water- liouse's choice as the Drones' delegate in quite a competent attempt at the Wodehouse style. Extracts from other speeches are: RECIDIVISTS "As G. K. C. should have written- ' There's -many a fat crib yet to crack, safes too in Banks and Clubs, Before we go to Purgat'ry by way of Wormwood Scrubs '." (E. W. Fordham.) "Claim (iii) retention of status as trusties, librarians, laundry overseers, &c., during unavoidable absences." (V. L. L. Clarke.) LITERARY COMPETITORS "Mr. Chairman, I have here some statistics which show that the most successful competitor can only hope to achieve the niggardly reward of 34d. an hour for his labour. I myself have earned lid. an hour. As for those unfortunates who have barely succeeded in ever getting an award—their rate is, of course, infinitesimal." (W. H. Smith.) TEEN-AGERS

, "They [the adult world] print photographs of us, with cap- - tions suggesting that we are chimpanzees giving a clever imitation of humanity." (R. Kennard Davis.)

H. A. C. Evans'13rooklynesque Recidivist is, I think, a clear first prize-winner and I recommend that he receives £3, with a second prize of £1 to Douglas Hawson and' third prizes of 10s. each to Allan M. Laing and Edward Blishen.

FIRST PRIZE (H. A. C. Evstis)

"Say lissen, youse guys, you got dis fing all wrong, see. You know me, ole Bugs Boig, I bin in an' out xle caboose more times 'n any o' you punks an' I got it all doped out. I bin readin' up on dis psychology, see, an' us mugs we ain't hoodlums. We're jes' sick, see, on account maybe we never had us a good time when we was kids playin' aroun' de block or maybe we got de pants scared off of us or sump'n'. So we turn dips or heist guys olvtoons an' tote a rod. De cops get us an' we do a streetch. O.K. Den dey sling us out again an' maybe we ain't sore. So one day we case a jernt on account we gotta get our mitts on some moots, see. It's a pushover. O.K. So maybe de cops come aroun' so we take it on dee lam. But no dice. So maybe we bust one in de kisrar an" we wake up in de cooler again. An' it's all 9n account we don' get no proper psychology in de pen. So it's like I said dey gotta give us cons more o' dis psychology, see ? We got our rights, ain't we ? We're citizens. We keep dese Big House gorillas in jobs, don' we ? Where'd all dese boids be widout us, huh ? In de bread line an' we should worry. So dey don' give us no psychology ? So what ? We got knives, ain't we ? We got lead pipe ? O.K."

SECOND PRIZE (DOUGLAS HAWSON)

"Lately there has crept into our language an insidious phrase which bids fair to wreck all our movement, to give it a palpable misnomer, stands for. Fellow non-workers, I refer to 'light work,' that monstrous creation of the family doctor, that first step from illness to slavery!

"Believe me, friends, there is no such thing as light work. There is work, and there is idleness, and no adjective can disguise the fact. A drone who does lighP'work is no drone. He or she must be summarily dismissed from our union, for if once we set our hands to the lightest plough or our shoulders to the most free-moving wheel we are doomed to extinction. Once the habit of light work is acquired, a craving for real work may follow and that way lies degradation for all drones! "

THIRD PRIZES (ALLAN M. LAING)

"Mr. Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen! It has been proposed and, I regret to say, seconded, that competition-setters, as such, shall be eligible for membership of the body to which we belong. I wish to oppose the motion. Ladies and gentlemen: what is a competition-setter ? Is he not one who "delights to set problems he cannot himself solve ? Who is as casual about the accuracy of his terms as a Cabinet Minister ? Who is often, I suspect, deliberately ambiguous so that he may the more easily disqualify competitors whose handwriting he dislikes or whose names crop up with inconvenient frequency?' Whose regard for ingeniously-sounding problems is often only a guarantee of dull results ? In short, is he not the enemy of us all ?

"And this, Mr. Chairman, is the type of scoundrel we are inviting to become one of us, in friendly association! I say: perish the thought! Mind you, ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing but respect for the competition-setter who has proved himself hy entering for and occa- sionally winning the kind of contest he sets ; but -for the rest, may I say, with all the restraint and moderation at my ocrimnaild, that rather than admit him to our fold, I would see the competition pages of all the weeklies turned over to advertisements of football-pons."

(EDWARD BLISHEN)

". . . Our chairman, Comrade Laing, is against the guaranteed weekly prize for the skilled competitor. Why ? Is the skilled competitor so difficult to identify ? I myself . . . (Uproar) Very well: but those of you who saw last week's Spectator . . . (Renewed uproar). I merely wis4d to point out that my clerihew in Erse was not the idle com- position of a casual entrant with an occasional inspiration. Let the bosses ask themselves what sells their periodicals. Is it politics ? Is it the reviews ? You know the answer! How much longer is our income to be dependent on the whim of a capitalistic hireling, doling out his master's meagre guineas ? How much longer are /nen of wit and culture (Cheers) to be publicly upbraided for their slips in grammar or proiody ? But we must not strike. No, comrades, we must not strike. But we can work to rule! (Cries of ` How ? ') How ? When we are asked for not more than 250 words, let us give 'em ten—let us give 'em five! (Fanatical cheering.) If they want not more than eight lines of verse, give 'em one—or a half! Let's make our translations from the French appallingly literal, our parodies the most depressing pastiche! Let us do all this, comrades—and I prophesy that the day will soon come when the entire nation will cry out for the return of this kind of thing—I am reading from the Spectator of a month ago." (Remainder of speech drowned in jealous uproar.)