Low life
Animal crackers
Jeffrey Bernard
Iwas very interested to see on the television news that a Basingstoke-based dachshund was awarded a medal for raising the alarm with sustained barking when it detected a gas leak. It was said that the dog averted an explosion which could have killed half a dozen people. It occurs to me, and not for the first time, that the English will always think the best of a domestic animal and absolutely refuse to believe as I do that they are mostly quite daft. I had a labrador once, Smedley, who detected a leg of lamb I had left on the kitchen table. She ate it. I did not pat her on the head and say, 'Who's a clever dog then?' Neither did I attempt to get her name put on the Queen's Birthday Honours list. I kicked her. And to prove she was daft she went on loving me.
Anyway, what evidence do we have that it was the gas that the dachshund was barking at? The stuff doesn't smell any more since they made it suicide-proof and do you immediately telephone the fire brigade when you hear a dog bark? No, the wretched sausage dog either had an attack of colic or was suddenly overcome with feelings of intense randiness. Furthermore, why was it taking its evening waddle by itself and why wasn't it on a lead? If it was that bloody clever anyway it would by now have appreciated the architecture of Basingstoke and encouraged an explosion with some demonstrative tail-wagging.
I know people whose houses smell of ammonia and yet they tell me that cats are quite brilliant. Worst of all are cat owners who tell you, 'Cats are marvellous. They're so independent.' If they are so indepen- dent why can't they forage for themselves apart from murdering the odd mouse already half crazed from an overdose of Warfarin? And can you get a laugh out of a cat? Hardly. But I had a duck once, Henrietta, who had she been equipped with a microphone would have had the whole village in stitches. Oddly enough she turned out to be rather tough in the end.
My racing friends, particularly trainers, keep telling me how fearfully intelligent horses are too. If they were as bright as the Basingstoke barker they would detect some of the prize money. The Italian breeder Frederica Tesio, who bred the great Ribot, proved that if you shut up a horse in a paddock without food and put a pile of hay over the fence it would starve to death before it would jump that fence for a mouthful. (I would like to be enlightened about that by the only two trainers in England who read the Spectator — Tom Jones and Robert Armstrong.) Some stallions have been a little silly too, looking, you might say, gift horses in the mouth themselves. The Tetrarch (1911) one of the fastest and most remark- able horses of the century had a 'monastic' outlook on sex. I quote Roger Mortimer. 'It normally took The Tetrarch from five to ten minutes to prepare for action and nearly 20 minutes elapsed before he con- sented to cover his first mare. The slightest noise, such as workmen hammering away in the distance, he used as an excuse to desist from his duties, and sometimes his infuriatingly dilatory tactics had an unfor- tunate effect on the mare he was meant to .be covering. Frequently he gave the appearance of having covered a mare when in fact he had failed to ejaculate.' Some 25 years later, the amazing Hyperion, who did his duty with a vengeance, also had an odd foible. He was very fond of aeroplanes and if one flew overhead while he was covering a mare he would stop and follow it with eyes and ears until it had passed.
It is to be hoped that when the Basing- stoke barker goes to stud — is it a he or a she? — it will pay more attention to duty. It is very rare nowadays for anyone, let alone a dachshund, to be able to detect workmen hammering away in the distance, but I am sure this vain little medal seeker will detect something. I just hope that the leaking gas incident brings a blush of shame to the faces of those corgis at Buckingham Palace who failed to root out the man who tapped the Queen for a cigarette. The most despicable dog though was the one owned by the guvnor of the Swiss Tavern. It would bite you if you were skint. They know, you know.
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