COMPETITION

No. 591: Heart-throb

It has recently been reported that Dr Chris- tian Barnard is to star in a romantic musical film, to be made in South Africa and featur- ing a heart transplant scene. Competitors are invited to compose an opening number, theme song or rousing finale for the picture —limit sixteen lines. Entries, marked 'Com- petition No. 591,' by 20 February.

No. 588: The winners

Trevor Grove reports: A recent letter in the Times correspondence columns pointed out that only Scotland and Iraq have fewer pub- lic holidays than we in England (with six) 'while some favoured spots have as many as sixteen, or even seventeen (Hongkong).' The writer suggested that five new holidays should be added to our own list, one of them being New Year s Day. Competitors were invited to submit suitable names and likely dates for the other tour, giving the reasons for their selection. There was no shortage of suggestions, a good many of them, I should have thougot, worth serious con- sideration. 1 he consensus seemed agreed that St Valentine's Day should be proclaimed a holiday and be devoted to loving pursuits; some, like J. J. B. Crown opted tor a day of national austerity and charitable work. A guinea each for the following suggestions: 17 January (Lloyd beorge's Birthday). Lloyd-George knew-my-father Day, on which British workers experience the same freedom to take the day off as British bosses.

J. M. Crooks 28 December. Feast of the Holy Innocents. In honour of the legislators responsible for the abortion Act.

Jonathan Seer Welfare or Wellfair Day (mid-April, when presuir ably Winter and Spring ailments are over). In honour of our Social Services, local jollifications could include Baby Shows, parades for those who have acquired invalid chairs, motor-vehicles etc. As with 'Easter Bonnets', people would arrange to wear their new dentures, spectacles, hearing-aids, trus- ses, callipers, neck-supports, etc.

Condemnation Day (blackest November). A day for free expression of private detesta- tions, e.g. pop, the rates, Mr Wilson, cabbage, a Glasgow accent. Written or spoken com- ments on this date. however slanderous, to be accepted as legal tender. Such a holiday would be extremely beneficial to everyone, releasing inhibitions, and anti-social urges, before the Good-will Xmas Season.

`P.M.'

No-Empire Day (falls on old Empire Day). To celebrate freedom from Imperial respon- sibilities. Technological displays, broadcast messages of international goodwill by Foreign Secretary to big powers and erst- while colonies.

Posterity Day (first day of Spring). To avoid over de-fusing population explosion. Contra- ceptives and young people abandoned, fertility rites under auspices of Department of Employment and Productivity.

Elders Day (21 September, Autumn begins). To commemorate overthrow of Squarearchy by youth revolution. Two hours silence im- posed on young. Elders perform solemn square dances, mock birching and sing '0 Lord our help now age is past'.

Edward Samson

Compuvac. Movable, the date to be decided every 1 January by a computer fed with appropriate meteorological, social, economic, and psychological data; ample scope for sarcastic letters to the press from rainswept promenades, fog-bound airports etc.

Carnation Day. Autumn, perhaps the first Friday after the five-thousandth road acci- dent death (the figure to be adjusted annually to prevent an eventual clash with summer holidays); all motor transport banned for twenty-four hours; MI thrown open to cycles, horses, and wheelchairs; (anyone who died on the way to hospital in a horse-drawn ambulance wouldn't be entering into the spirit of the thing). •

W. 1. Webster

8 December. Feast of the Immaculate Con- ception. To remind us that once the way to Paradise was going to start with conception without intercourse instead of the reverse as now.

18 June. Waterloo Day. To remind us that if our brave British soldiers had been a bit more cowardly we would have been deci- malised, driving on the right and into the Common Market 150 years ago.

4 July. American Independence Day. To remind us that we can be independent of them, if we try.

1 November. Underwhelming Day. When the Nation will be underwhelmed. Morning papers, for example, will print again the previous day's news stories in the form the editors would like to have seen them if they had had the time. The Government will announce some small useful Bilid e.g. that publishers must print all book titles the same way up, on the spines of books. Citizens will undertake only one small task, like replying to an overdue letter, sewing on a button or fixing a door catch.

Arthur White