Home life
Solving the priest shortage
Alice Thomas Ellis
We called at a nearby presbytery and the door was opened by a lay helper since the priest was out. Then we went to another one and the door was opened by another man in mufti. We said we were looking for a priest and he said he was one but he hadn't got time to baptise anyone until the New Year. The son expressed doubts about the sacerdotal qualities of this man on account of his trousers. 'That's not a priest,' he said, 'he's wearing acid-washed Jeans. They might as well be allowed to marry as wear acid-washed jeans.'
We finally did find a priest with enough time and inclination and the proper apparel, and the ceremony went off beauti- fully — rather to everyone's surprise as we are used to having very new small babies baptised, not mobile ones who want to blow candles out. The eldest son recorded the event for posterity with his video camera and a few days later he got mar- ried. We had the office party in that week as well, not to mention Christmas dinner, and all in all I won't shed a tear if I never see another bubbling bottle as long as life is long. We got to midnight Mass too late to find a place to sit, so I stood at the back with the tinkers, shaking hands and beam- ing in a spirit of mutual forgiveness. Tinkers have frequently pinched things from us and I have wished them ill. The collection money was destined for the parish clergy, but as I wasn't feeling too fond of the acid-washed jeans I gave mine to the tinker's baby.
Someone nobly cleared the tables on Boxing Day — very swiftly and deftly and I was impressed beyond words because I'd got to the state of tottering back and forth to the sink bearing one cup, glass or nutshell at a time and if it had been left to me I'd still be doing it. Alfie came in the next day and completed the tidying up, leading me to the conclusion that men are much better at housework than women.
They are also uniquely qualified for the Priesthood and I wished more of them realised it. There used to be dozens of Priests around the corner and I can't think where they've all gone. Many of them were too young to die. The parishioners are proliferating like the green bay tree and who is to look after them? Don't say that women priests could meet the problem, because the one thing worse than a priest in acid-washed jeans would be a priestess in acid-washed jeans. I think everyone should get back in their corners. Midwifery should be restored to women, since as long ago as the late 17th century William Buchan MD was writing that if they were better trained they would relieve men of the necessity of practising 'this indelicate and disagreeable branch of medicine' and in my experience they were better at it, and that would release lots of men into the priesthood and all the babies could be calmly baptised with no trouble at all. I hope everyone will take note of this simple and economical suggestion.
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