YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am a probation officer. Recently, the courts have entrusted to my care a noble- man of vast possessions. I had to cancel our first appointment as our limited resources do not extend to having a heliport. When he came by car to his second meeting, the car park was jammed as he arrived in a stretched limousine with three attendants (he referred to them as his comptroller, steward and agent), all in separate motor- cars, and four outriders on large motor cycles. Reluctantly, therefore, I have agreed to visit him at his rambling mansion. Do I knock on the tradesman's entrance door and risk the concomitant lack of respect — or do I knock on the front door and so give myself airs with which I am not comfortable?
Anon (for obvious reasons) A. I think I can recognise the nobleman to whom you refer, and I would suggest that you cover your confusion by entering his mansion at the National Trust ticket pur- chasing point. Allow the attendant to tele- phone up to his lordship to announce your arrival. A manservant will shortly materi- alise to escort you into the presence of your `client', and no doubt you will be intro- duced through a non-tradesmen's entrance
as a matter of common diplomacy.
Q. My husband has decided to embarrass us by sending all our friends and relations a `Family Newsletter' for 1994 which he is relentlessly 'putting together' on his 'desk- top publisher'. He is 'designing' it to look like a tabloid newspaper, and the 'extracts' which I have been allowed to look at read horribly like The Dial), of a Nobody. If the planned 'print run' of 500 copies are dis- tributed, I shall immediately die of shame. Mary, with your experience of the newspa- per business, please can you help?
R.B., West Cornwall A. Why not have 500 covering letters print- ed saying something like: 'Roy has done a hilarious spoof of a "wally" Family Newsletter. Hope you enjoy it! It actually contains all our real news as well, so it serves a twin purpos' Offer to help your husband to stuff the envelopes when the time comes for his mail shot and slip a cov- ering note in with each Newsletter.
You recently advised a reader to serve up plastic dog messes to her obnoxious son until he had learned to eat with his mouth closed. A more realistic (and therefore more repulsive) mess can be made by soak- ing two slices of white bread in half a cupful of very strong instant coffee. Mash the bread into a thick paste and then knead it into the appropriate shape. Apart from cur- ing teenagers of their repulsive habits more quickly, the article can be put to many other interesting uses.
HII.T:, British Embassy, Bonn A. Thank you for your kindness in con- tributing this useful tip to fellow readers.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Mary Killen, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WCIN 2LL.
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