Our Not-So-Dumb Friends

For the usual prizes competitors were invited to submit either a poem on humans (one or several) or an extract from a book entitled The Training and Care of Human Beings written by a cat.

MARMALADES, Persians, Siamese, Strays and Tabbies swelled the entries to well over a hundred. Marmalade myself, of course, though my branch of the family left Oxford some time ago, 1 was amewsed to find four entries from my own Tunbridge Wells. We might meet for a night on the (Pan)Tiles purrhaps and compare notes. (Incidentally, I noticed it was a Convent Cat who pointed out that few humans have acquired any nocturnal proficiency on the tiles.) Several tails were new to me and I append a few useful lips culled from some of them.

To IMPROVE DIET. 'Become thin and shabby- looking' (Stephanie Gifford's owner); `When tired of Puss-E-Tin, try fetching hearty meals of it up in a lump without warning. They'll soon learn' (Gloria Prince's owner); 'Shake paw at skim . . . and they will soon be proud to tell their friends how very particular you are' (Frances Colling- wood's owner); 'The short hunger strike with an air of martyrdom will stop the serving of tinned food' (N. Hodgson's owner).

To CONVEY APPROVAL. 'Gently bite nose and eyebrows and massage abdomen' (Mrs. Bulfin's owner); `When ill, give them Pussiotherapy. Grass is also useful, not administered internally —but get them to lie on it' (James Fidgen's owner); 'An occasional gift of an old mouse you no longer want will evoke almost hysterical ex- citement' (Myfanwy Pryce's owner). I must agree, though, with Stephanie Giffard's owner that con- stant endearments tend to create an CEdipuss complex.

To CONVEY DISAPPROVAL. 'Cow by studied in- difference' (N. Hodgson's owner); 'Fix gaze on middle distance' (Guy Tyrrell's owner); 'Wreck the house if ever deserted' (Frances Collingwood's owner). Several also recommended complete dis- appearance for several days as very effective Shock Treatment—`but be considerate,' con- cludes N. Hodgson's owner, 'after all, they're only human.'

TO GET DOORS OPEN AND KEPT PERMANENTLY AJAR. 'Try mat-scratching, followed (if necessary) by significant postures' (Gloria Prince's owner); `Demand entrance. After brief interval demand

exit. Repeat ad lib.' (G. Pitt's owner); 'When you say "Open the door" he must do so at once and must realise that you do not necessarily wish to go through but may decide to sit in the open doorway' (Dorothy Halliday's owner); 'Should a door be opened for you, pause and attend to the toilet so that the doorman is kept waiting' (Guy Tyrrell's owner).

One of the best Attention-Attracting dodges came from F. M. Keen's owner—i.e. to cover up, with paws or hindquarters, the exact spot of the paper they are reading. I do this with Joyce John- son—it never fails. Congratulations, too, to Tom Tabb, who has trained Nancy Gunter to switch off the TV by sitting before it and swearing softly under his breath, and to Miss. Miniver, who can write this of her Mrs. Boileau ;

I've taught her what she may or may not do, Yesterday's milk, stale liver are taboo, Not to wear trousers when I need a lap (Undignified to fall into a gap).

As to the mice money, I suggest three guineas, two guineas and one guinea to the owners of Areas, Guy Hadley and Douglas Hawson respec- tively. The owner of J. A. Lindon must be told that humans have what are called Religious Susceptibilities and that if they hadn't he would have been lop Cat. The runners-up are far too many to mention.

PRIZES (Am/is)

Proclaim, my mews, the providential plan That for the sake of Cats created Man! He builds for us the snugly sheltering house, Where we in comfort may pursue the mouse; For us he lays and lights the genial fire Whose warmth our meditative hours require; For us he tends and milks the horned kinc, That we on flesh and cream may richly dine; For us he spins and weaves the wool of sheep, To make soft blankets for our coiled sleep. Though humble be his toil, his instinct blind Ill-matched with the majestic feline mind, Our slave, our friend since purring days began, We'll hymn the harmless, necessary Man!

(GUY HADLEY)

Cilling All Cats

Begin by choosing your two-legged friend with great care. So many cats, even Persians, have re- joiced prematurely at finding the ideal human for lifelong exploitation, only to discover their mistake. when they scratched the surface. Avoid Top People, who will he too busy entertaining, or dodging in- come tax; to provide that tranquil, dignified com- panionship which you need. The best types are childless individuals with some peaceful hobby, like playing chess or listening to Mozart on hand-made gramophones.

Humans have thoughts and feelings of their own, however inferior to those of cats, but always remem- ber that they need us more than we need. them. Treat them kindly, win their confidence, but never tolerate disobedience. Nothing is worse than a spoiled human who refuses to answer when called, but a purr in the right place may save him, or her, from going to the dogs.

(DOUGLAS HAWSON)

They are the rumpus-makers, They are the breakers of dreams,

Tramping like floorboard breakers. And creaking the ceiling beams;

Mouse-scarers and bird-quakers On whom the slave-dog beams; Yes, they are the movers and shakers Of the earth forever it seems.

TOM O'PAUGIIPUSSY