Your Problems Solved
Dear Maly Q. Although I consider my dog Claude to have been born without a brain, he miraculously remembers that Wednesday is the day for his extra-long walkies and sits by the front door, thereby allowing no one to exit without his being in tow. So it was that this Wednesday Claude took up his position, collar on and gazing nobly as blue Great Danes are so adept at doing. At 7.43 a.m. precisely we set out and would have followed the customary route which entails an eager rush along Tite Street, greeting the Honourable Mrs Schleswig-Mopps's trio of pugs, over Royal Hospital Road, navigating the fourwheel-drive tractors in Durham Place and a hurtle around Burton Court ending in an imperious trot down Royal Avenue. No sooner had we left the house than I felt a buzzing in my coat pocket. The telephone message conveyed to me the news that there were two immediate work panics on that could not wait and my presence was demanded at the office. Claude's walkies were in grave jeopardy and it is unwise to detain a Great Dane first thing in the morning when ablutions are due. I had no alternative but to bring him with me to the office where chaos of the imaginable type ensued. What should I have done, Mary?
D.B., London 5W3 A. At this time of morning in Chelsea keen eyes can quickly alight upon vehicles of the Houndstretcher' type, making door-to-door collections on the `Walkies Run'. A doglover can put complete trust in one of the supervisors of these groups. He or she would undoubtedly have taken pity on you during this emergency and allowed Claude to join the group exercise session in Battersea Park, after which he could have been returned to you with all passion spent.
Q. A friend rang saying she was organising a dinner for 20 in a restaurant just before Christmas, with everyone going Dutch, and I accepted. Now my husband tells me he does not want to go. Neither of us drinks and he is terrified that we will end up splitting a bill for endless quantities of champagne and caviar with the rest of the group — most of whom are high-earning, high-spending types on whom a bill of 200 quid a head will make little impact, whereas it would be disastrous for us. It would be humiliating to say, 'Can we just pay for what we have eaten?' How can I resolve this dilemma?
Name withheld, London 5W18 A. Simply arrange to receive an urgent phonecall from home at a suitable stage before coffee is served. Rush to the till and discreetly pay separately for what you two have had. Explain to the organiser that you have settled up and leave the drunkards to it. She will probably be pleased that you have circumvented the difficulty that this iniquitous division of costs would have presented.
Q. My wife has developed a habit of clearing her throat after she has been speaking for about two sentences. How can I cure her of this without undermining her confidence?
G.W., Congleton, Cheshire A. Train yourself simultaneously to insert a finger at right angles to one of your own ears and waggle it while screwing up your face. Women hate it when men do this, and this Pavlovian method of correction will soon see an end to the nuisance.
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