Westminster Corridors
Tuesday, January 28
Master Heath has declared this day that any change in the Tory leadership must assuredly require the full-hearted consent of the British people, which is to be ascertained not by the decision of MPs only, but by a Referendum of constituency toilers, conducted by Master Wolff of the Central Office, and binding upon the 1922 Committee. In which he was supported by Lord Carrington, Mistress Lynda Chalker, and sundry placemen, toadies, hacks and scribblers iri the employ of Master Aitken. Yet Master du Cann regrets that the notion does not please him, and r no more is heard of the matter. Also this day a dreadful sacrilege is reported by the publick prints. Vandals have broken into the tomb of the late Mr William Pitt and decamped with his remains, none knows whither.
Wednesday, January 29 Master Rober Carr, whom many had supposed , to be on the list of missing persons at Bow Street, appeared in public yestemight to assert that Mistress Thatcher lacks the power to inspire, which is essential to all who would be great statesmen, amongst whose ranks he placed Master Heath; also that Mistress Thatcher was too much of the middling classes, whereasMaster Heath — but at that point he was o'ertaken by a fit of coughing.
Thursday, January 30 Master Ian Gilmour hath declared — it being his turn according to the battle orders at Smith Square — that it is the enduring strength and virtue of the Tory Party that it believes in nothing whatsoever, and that its survival is to be traced to this admirable absence of the .fanatick spirit. Also that those who advocate less money as the proper antidote to the tendency of prices to rise are wretched heretics, deserving only the attention of the publick executioner, but of no serious man of affairs. Further outrageous cases of body-snatching have been uncovered — the graves of Mister B. Disraeli, Sir R. Peel and Master Canning having all been pillaged to the horror of all.
Friday, January 31 In response to many request from Master George Hutchinson in the Times newspaper, Master William Whitelaw hath this day issued a testament of his political beliefs to the Nation, viz that now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the Party, that the Tory Party is a national Party or it is nothing, that we should trust the People, that time is Money, that too many cooks spoil the broth, and that many a true word is spoken in jest. And that Mr Heath was the best ex-Prime Minister we had got.
Thatcher 1hath today informed her Saturday,mi s tress
constituents that she is a Conservative, which greatly disgusted Master Peter Walker, who thereupon pronounced it a sad day for the Tory Party, should it ever fall under the sway of Conservatives. But some consider it would merely be a sad day for Master Walker, Mistress Chalker, Lord Carrington, Master Wolff, the Greater London Young Conservatives, and sundry placemen, etc., etc. By a late hand, 1 learn that the tombs of Master A. J. Balfour and Master S. Baldwin have been distrubed. What fiends can be responsible?
2 The n in uproar over an astounding
event town s the water. Today in the Central Office at Smith Square, there was a declaration of support, nemine contradicente, for Master Heath from Mr William Pitt, Mr Canning, Sir R. Peel, Mr B. Disraeli, Lord Salisbury, et al, who, having been revived by a process known only to the Tory Research Dept., were astonished to learn that MPs had any say in the selection of Tory leaders.
Tom Puzzle
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