Westminster Corridors
Pleasure and recreation of one kind or another are absolutely necessary to relieve our Minds and Bodies from too constant attention and labour. Where, therefore, public diversions are tolerated, it behoves Persons of Distinction to preside over and take part in them in such a manner as to impress reasonable creatures. Apart from sporting displays, there are the finer entertainments, such as Musick and Dramatick Poetry, to be indulged.
How, then, are the present Persons of Distinction found to acquit themselves? Mr Edward Heath, I note, has taken to something known as Ping Pong. This has mightily impressed his Chinese hosts who had hitherto considered the Leader of the Opposition to be something of a fop who did little but loll about on Morning Cloud in a natty blue sailor suit. Quite apart from these frenetic activities in which he is wont to indulge, Mr Heath does not forget the Arts. He is a lover of Musick (being the proud owner of an Organ) and has even been known to wave the baton over a celebrated Symphony Orchestra. It is rumoured that he actually knows Mr Andre Previn and once shook hands with Mr Mick Jagger.
In a recent production at the Club of my friend Mr Ben Jonson's Volpone, Mr Heath played the leading part and was, it is said, every inch a Magnifico. My readers will recall how ''Volpone, childlesse, rich, faines sick, 'clespaires." Well, as Mr Enoch Powell (who directed the performance) said, "Wouldn't you despair after losing the ruddy election?" That Mr Powell is a malicious one — and make no mistake.
The play was not, however, the success it might have been. The Leader of the Whigs was .cast as Sir Politique Would-Bee and on the first night said he refused to take part in what was essentially a Tory production. This was considered bad form at the Club, for Mr Jeremy Thorpe is a practised thespian and his performance was much looked forward to.
Mr Thorpe, though partial to musick (he is even known to play upon the fiddle from time to time) seems not to like physical activity. In this, the electorate clearly finds him wanting by comparison with the other two Party Leaders. Perhaps he does seem somewhat colourless beside rugged Mr Heath on his yacht or cavalier Mr Wilson on his golf course.
It is whispered that the Isles of Scilly Golf Club has offered to reduce Mr Wilson's handicap but that he refuses under any circumstances to give her up. How dashing is our Prime Minister in his baggy pants and red St Michael golf sweater. Though by no means a Gary Player, he does manage to get round the course in a creditable 147 shots (it is, by the way, a nine hole course) with some help from his caddy, Mr Joe "SS" Haines.
"I have never met a kinder or more generous person than Mr Wilson," Mr Haines said, kicking the Prime Minister's ball some yards further down the fairway. This left Mr Wilson free to talk about land reclamation and the state of the Ruffian's Party in the North-East.
"Sand iron, Haines," muttered the Prime Minster as he bit firmly on the stem of his favourite Co-op patented Goo-free Briar. Mr Haines obligingly picked up the Polyurethanecovered drive-me-further and put-punch-intoyour-shots Milhench 65 golf ball and plopped it into the hole. "Hole in one," screamed the sycophantic Haines and his master beamed with pride.
"My game, I think Marcia, dormie three," said Mr Wilson and the Duchess of Faulkender fed into her portable IBM typewriter-computer the appropriate facts. "No," she replied firmly, "you win by four and three." Mr Wilson's only problem, as I see it, is that he likes not at all Musick and Dramatick Poetry. He finds the one "soppy, like boring old Ted" and the other "dull, like skinny old Jeremy." As Mr Haines is quick to point out, the Prime Minister does not invite "poofs and
perverts" to Downing Street. "We're having Georgie Best and Dave Frost to supper tonight," the Press Secretary added. Wincarnis and Marmite soldiers all round, I imagine.
Tom Puzzle
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