YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I am a lawyer specialising in intellectual copyright. I see a lot of my younger sister, who has a number of charming, although fairly hopeless, friends who 'work' as artists and poets, wannabe screenwriters and that sort of thing. My problem is that I am the only lawyer most of these people ever meet, and the protocol of generous exchange of talents in their world is very different from what it is in mine. In other words, I am constantly being asked to give them free legal advice over a dinner table. Naturally, they do not see it that way — they see it as them telling me a fascinating tale of somebody trying to rip off one of their ideas and that, as their friend's brother, I will be excited and delighted to get involved without even thinking of charging. I find their naivety genuinely refreshing, but how can I tactfully discourage these presentations?
Name and address withheld A. Next time one is about to be delivered, nip it in the bud by the following means. Hold up your hand and say, 'Stop right there! I cannot take advantage of one of my own sister's friends. You don't want to get me involved in this. I'm far too expensive for you.' You will see their faces falling as it dawns on them that there might have been a question of their paying in the first place, and they will swiftly move on to more general topics. Q. Mary, I have a real-life social dilemma. My brother and sister-in-law have a large household presided over by a butler. The telephone is usually answered by the butler, but by no means always. The relations quite often answer it themselves. Recently, my brother has installed a telephone answering machine which announces the name of the house and invites one to leave a message. My dilemma is what tone to adopt when leaving my message on the machine: an informal sisterly one that would be appropriate if one of my family picked it up, or a more formal one using their titles on the assumption that it will be filtered through one of their numerous staff?
Name and address withheld A. Act daft. Leave messages as though you think that only your brother or his wife ever 'unloads' the message machine. Therefore, always prefix each message by saying, for example, 'Hello, John. Hello, Mary. This is
Ann.' It is up to the butler then to translate as he sees fit. Readers who are on less familial terms with the grandees in such a household may be interested that the correct protocol is just to give Christian and surname (but no title) in a formal tone of voice when leaving your message.
Q. I am an artist. I live in a village where various neighbours drop in to my studio (attached to the house) and make favourable comments about my work — as one would only expect them to do out of politeness. I am very fond of one set of neighbours in particular and would like to give them a painting, as they are rather impoverished. My problem is that I do not know how sincere their effusions are. How can I tell whether they genuinely like my work or are just being friendly and encouraging? Without wishing to be venal, we are talking about something that would sell for a few thousand pounds.
Name and address withheld A. Make them a casual present of a signed print of one of your own favourite paintings run off at a colour copying machine for a couple of pounds. If they fail to frame and hang it within a month, it means that they do not like your work sufficiently to merit being given a few thousand pounds' worth of it.
Mary Killen
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