Westminster corridors
There is nothing in which Men more deceive themselves than when they seek to be Luminaries. There are so many Passions that hide themselves within and so many Mischiefs arising therefrom that it would, methinks, have been for the Benefit of Mankind if there were to be at all . no People of Spiritual Eminence seeking to guide the rest of us into the Paths of Righteousness.
Dr John Gilbert, our worthy Minister of Transport, far from heeding my words has decreed that there should be Light. Our beloved leader, Mr Wilson, thinks that Dr Gilbert has a God complex — it will be remembered that on the second of Mr Wilson's first dynamic hundred days in office he said "let there be light" and there was (several sycophantic aides rushing to offer him matches with which to make a combustion of his pipe). So Mr Wilson is naturally sensitive about anyone else pretending to be God.
However — or, to put a finer point on it — rubbish. On this occasion Dr Gilbert's Parliamentary Order (which is about to be laid at the Club) that all vehicles from Broughams to the ugly newfangled horseless carriages known as Cars (no relation to that Shadow of his former self Mr Robert Carr, a Tory) should drive with headlights at all times has purely practical motivation.
There was, at the Club, the other night a most unfortunate accident which has prompted the Wily Doctor to take this authoritarian action. The gargantuan Member from Rochdale, a Whig known as Mr Cyril Smith, was bowling along the Ways and Means Corridor at a comparatively early stage of the evening. This accounted for the fact that he was not properly lit up. For, although he is no seafaring man, Mr Smith knows that Chaps do not get lit up (as the nautical saying goes) until the sun is below the Yard Arm (whatever that might be).
So, as I say, there he was bowling along, when he came upon and actually rolled over the diminutive Mr Leo Abse, the Ruffian from Pontypool, who never lights up on principle lest it might impair his ability to see in the dark and espouse those "fringe causes," for the espousing of which he has over the years become so famous.
Now Mr Smith weighs some two tons and poor little Mr Abse but a few pounds. As my cousin Milton said: "He who overcomes by force hath but half overcome his foe." Or, as my friend Newton put it even more succinctly, "when an immovable object meets an implacable dandy (to wit, a Ruffian Member from Pontypool) there might be an awful mess in the Ways and Means Corridor."
Out of his office rushed the Ruffian Chief Whip, Mr Bob Mellish, who accused Mr Smith of endangering his majority. Mr Smith, in those rich Rochdale tones, told Mr Mellish that he would not be seen dead anywhere near his majority because Whigs of a certain standing did not do things like that. At that point, the interfering Mr Humphrey Atkins, the Tory Chief Whip, burst into the Corridor claiming that the lights were going out all over Europe.
Mr Smith told him to "belt up and stoa talking tripe." He added that if the Whigs were properly represented at the European Parliament in Strasbourg, the British Delegation would not just light up, but it would positivelY paint the town red. Fortunately, Mr JerernY Thorpe, another Whig, arrived in time to lead Mr Smith off before he trampled on anyone else, and the remains of Mr Abse were cleared away.
Mr Mellish sent for Dr Gilbert and told him he had better do something about the lighting 01 vehicles in transport. The Cunning Minister immediately installed something known a,s, infra-red cameras on the central reservation to the Members' Lobby. These instruments conle, on automatically when there is a low level 01 lighting (caused by fog in the Members' minds or a surfeit of cigar smoke late at night). Thus, any Member who is lit up (or' alternatively, not lit up) and is going too fast (or, for that matter, too slowly) towards division is photographed and the indisputable, evidence is recorded by the Duchess 01 Falkender who has demanded a new dark room in which to operate. At a hastily convened briefing of LobbY Journalists in Annie's Bar, Dr Gilbert (who 115, already earned the sobriquet "motorists friend") explained that the evidence recorded by the cameras would not be used "in anY possible prosecutions." He added that the Duchess simply wanted the snapshots for her album. Besides, as she was seeing so little of the Prime Minister these days, it would help her keep an eye on things.
Tom Puzzle
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