YOUR RUGBY PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary Q. My son is a member of a rugby team at his university. They are a lovely bunch of chaps during daylight hours but some sort of group hysteria seems to take hold during post-match victory celebrations and they behave more like cavemen than gentlemen. They obviously need the civilising influence of female company in the form of girlfriends — but how to find them? Although there are many suitable single girls in our circle, the four we took to a recent game in the hope of doing a spot of match-making were put off by the beerfuelled boorishness in the pub afterwards. What do you suggest, Mary?
V.H.R., Devizes, Wiltshire A. Just because the team members enjoy these occasional Jekyll-and-Hyde evenings as part of their ritual for bonding it does not reduce their overall eligibility. Society's new form of matchmaking as spearheaded by Lady Meyer in a forthcoming fund-raising event for PACT (Parents of Abducted Children Trust, 13 September) consists of arranging speed-dating evenings in aid of charity. A committee of young men and women invite their friends to pay to attend. Those for whom speed-dating events would normally bear the stigma of the saddo are only too delighted to have the excuse to do it to benefit a charity. In Lady Meyer's evening 30 girls will meet 30 boys and boxes can be ticked for both 'Fancy' and 'Friend'. All tickings are married together at the conclusion and those who have ticked each other's boxes are handed mobile numbers. Money is raised for charity and everyone is happy. Arrange such an evening to benefit the Clubhouse or another likely charity and the team members will reap certain romantic dividends with resultant civilising effects on the team members.
Q. In the changing room someone in my rugby team picked up my mouthguard by mistake. When I mentioned his mistake he spat it out, coated in saliva and handed it — not to my hand, but lifted it right up to my chin so I was obliged to take it from him and put it straight into my mouth. This meant that during the match my concentration was undermined. I am a bit of a hypochondriac and am still wondering whether I could have picked up something from his bleeding gums. What should I do if this happens again?
J.S., Andover, Hampshire A. Resist by saying, 'Hang on a minute. I've got some gum in there. Oh no! Now I've got the gum on the mouthguard.' Then move towards a sink and blast boiling water on to it to remove 'the gum'.
Q. I am proud and happy that my 18-yearold son has been chosen to play in his university rugby team, and I look forward to cheering him on from the sidelines, but one little thing is causing me anxiety. My son mentioned, when he was last home, that he'd have to undergo some sort of initiation rite before joining the team and I could tell he was nervous about it. Are these rites dangerous, Mary, and what sort of things might he have to do? A worried mother needs to know.
Mrs G. Banbury, Bath A. A rugby-playing youth from 'Dear Maly's' panel of medical advisors has supplied this eye-witness account: 'Rugby initiations are known for ending in naked drunken orgies fuelled by overzealous protein-filled captains looking to bring shame on the `freshers". They can, however, begin quite civilised with punishments such as eating dog food, "chinning" a mixture of raw egg and chilli powder followed by a strong pint of northern ale. If and when the fresher's stomach revolts against this punishment, things get a bit nastier The fresher will be expected to reconsume, as it were, anything that has been rejected by his stomach. After this, the fresher may then have to wear a dress, of the revealing variety, to a night club where the drinking punishments continue in earnest.' Our junior medical advisor does not paint an attractive picture but provided no bodily fluids are exchanged there seems to be no permanent risks to health from these initiation rites. If however, you are seriously concerned, there is nothing to stop you taking a temporary job, in disguise as a waitress in the pub or restaurant where the debaucheries will be taking place. This will enable you to step in should there be threats of permanent injury.
Q. I'm a scrum half in a friendly, informal team that plays at weekends in North London. The matches are friendly, but they're pretty intense as well and I spend a lot of time skidding around in the grass. My (white) kit gets filthy and as I don't have a wife or a girlfriend to help, it stays that way. What's the best way to remove hardcore grass stains, Mary? I just can't ask the boys.
Name and address withheld A. Just stick the whole lot in a bucket of half bleach-half water and take it out again one hour later Rinse extremely well. The kit will disintegrate quite quickly but this method will spare you any complicated scrubbing nuisance.
Q. I'm a fanatical rugby addict, and so the forthcoming Rugby World Cup is very, very exciting for me. I plan to spend all of it glued to the TV, whether at home or in the pub. My only worry is that my new girlfriend just doesn't get it at all. She keeps saying, 'It's only a game,' and 'Surely I'm more important to you than Jonny Wilkinson?' I don't want to lose her, but I'll be miserable if I miss too many matches. How can I explain my obsession to her in a way she'll understand?
A.K., London W1 A. Most long-serving girlfriends would be delighted to have some 'space' from their boyfriends or husbands. Your girlfriend, being new, has not yet reached that stage. You will be unable to make her understand. Why not go abroad for the duration so there is no question of her even joining you in front of the screen?
THE SPECTATOR 8 September 2007 41
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