Your Problems Solved
Dear Maly Q. I am shortly going to stay in a glamorous venue in Tuscany whose name I cannot reveal here as it would look like vulgar boasting. I have not been there before, and am extremely worried about the layout of the lavatories. Due to having had an extremely strict English nanny who would not let me, aged five or six, 'spend a penny' in the night — I was sometimes reduced to using a wastepaper basket — I suffer from abnormal anxiety about having to pee when away from home. I was recently a guest at a bohemian house party in the Isle of Wight. My first night there I only slept four hours due to a fellow guest telling me that we must be very careful not to wake the eminent social and military historian whose room was next to the loo, and who was a very light sleeper. I was so nervous that I ended up literally peeing five or six times (first creeping down a rickety staircase) and in the small hours I was also tortured about whether or not to flush. Can you please tell me the etiquette about this? My pleasure at the idea of this holiday is already being ruined by acute anxiety.
E.S., London W11 A. It is important not to wake fellow guests in the night as this can lead to irritability during daylight hours. Prepare for this difficulty by bringing in your luggage an empty 500 ml screw-top tub of some beauty product such as E45 emollient cream. In this way you can outwit the staff who may unpack for you as to your true purpose. Simply use this as a receptacle during the night and dispose of the contents on your first visit to the loo in the morning.
Q. A neighbour runs a weekend art course from her home. I have agreed to help her out by offering B&B accommodation for those visitors who live too far afield to go home at the end of the first day. My problem is that these people are often very much kindred spirits and I find myself befriending them, often sharing a glass of wine with them, so much so that they can forget to give me the agreed overnight charge when they are leaving my house, as the commercial aspect of the arrangement has been blurred by the conviviality. How can I tactfully remind them before it is too late?
N.M., Stanton St John, Oxfordshire A. Invest in a visitor's book Ask guests to sign as they are leaving and to fill in their full address. As they are doing this you can enthuse, 'And I'll give you my full postal address so that any time you would like to stay again you can get in touch. You are more than welcome.' Pause, then add, 'And if you haven't got any cash on you now, you can just pop a cheque in the post.'
Q. Having dropped my daughter off for her first day at boarding-school I noticed that almost all the other mothers were wearing white trousers. Can you decodify this fashion for me so I can decide whether I should participate?
Name and address withheld A. White trousers are a symbol of competence and efficiency since the wearer, despite the rigours of childcare and household management, has clearly managed to present herself as immaculate. They are equally a symbol of self-control since the wearer is also invariably slim. There is no need to participate, particularly if your own figure is not proportionately predisposed to this most challenging of garments.
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