Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
7 OF _1—`] c3 1111L-11-1 iIDJDY By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY V exciting. Was in charge of note-taking and smoothies at our Emergency TreacheryManagement Meeting. We couldn't decide what to do about Mr Mercer. Jed argued for something v unpleasant-sounding, which would involve us digging for a lot of complicated information, and would take ages. Was a bit worried as have dressage trials with Sesame tonight. Thankfully Mrs Spelperson persuaded everyone we had to lovebomb 'dear old Paddy', or he would go 'all the way over'. It is very confusing: Mr Mercer was supposed to be much too right-wing for us when we sacked him for telling the truth about the army, and now he is making friends with Mr Brown who is very left-wing. I think. Jed said it was typical that Mr Mercer and Mr Bercow couldn't even defect properly. Are they men or mice?' He seemed a bit fraught, not at all centred. So not much time to decide whether we were lurching left or right today. Nigel said he was confident we could make it up as we went along: 'Sort of slalom!'
My Smythson pen ran out (wonder if taking it back and demanding refund would be career-limiting?) so not sure how am going to compile the minutes. But everyone seemed to enjoy the smoothies. Our comms director Gary has a complete pash for pineapple and lime ones, so naturally that's all we drink now. He calls them `smoothlys', though. Feel bit sick, actually. Strange lurching feeling. Had jolly time watching Boris's launch. We all stood around Gary's TV monitor so it was easier to know when we were allowed to laugh.
TUESDAY Up in the polls! Labour lead just 1 per cent!! Gordon is a loser!!! Gids v excited and called an extra Snap Election Planning Committee meeting to celebrate. Bit of trouble again deciding on whether to lurch right or left. Jed said that we should go right today, but Wonky Tom said he'd run out of immigration policies and crime was out of the question because DD is taking his annual one-day holiday `yomping' across the Peak District.
Jed suggested we all take a break for tea and/or coffee. So we talked about that for a while, but couldn't decide whether to have almond biscotti. There's no guidance in Mr Letwin's draft manifesto notes on the subject.
WEDNESDAY What on earth is getting into our people? As if the Earl having a go at Dave wasn't bad enough, Lady T's office rang today to say she wasn't happy being praised by Michael Ancram, on account of his being so outdated, and could we please stop him before he tarnishes her legacy. Dear, oh dear.
Spent the morning sticking sponsor labels on our new fold-up bikes Things got a bit hectic when Jed couldn't decide whether to do Europe, tax, crime and immigration, or health, global poverty and carbon footprints for the rest of the week. So we had to prepare policy launches on all of them! We couldn't decide which TV programmes and newspapers Dave should appear in this weekend so we booked him in for all of them. Gary is now briefing that this is An Actual Strategy, called Saturation Dave. Sounds good to me!
THURSDAY Feel bit dizzy. Thought it was the pineapple and lime smoothlys but Poppy reckons it's all the lurching that's going on. Says it's enough to make Ellen MacArthur throw up over the side. Now I think about it, I have been finding it quite difficult to walk in a straight line. Nigel says not to worry, I'll soon get my swing-votestrategy legs. Wonky Tom says the key is to stop trying to work out whether we are right or left, and simply abandon oneself to the moment. Tried this out when typing up Gid's press release on matching Labour's spending plans for three years and — guess what? — it worked like a dream. As soon as stopped trying to figure out whether this was lefty weirdness or centre-right common sense, a sort of peace came over me and I felt at one with the Project again. Hooray!
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