No. 546: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: 'Famous last words' are attributed to many historical figures—e.g. 'I shall hear in Heaven' (Beethoven), 'It has all been very interesting' (Lady Mary Wortley
Montagu). In the accommodating spirit of the late lamented Voluntary Euthanasia Bill, com- petitors were invited to compose 'last words,' suitable, when the occasion should arise, for use by any living celebrity who might have chosen this method of disposing of himself. A large and ingenious entry suggested that this is a matter that has already been given a considerable amount of thought. W. J. Webster, for instance, suspected that 'euthanasiasts would tend to go on a bit, making last speeches rather than wheezing last words to their captive audiences. On the other hand there'd be fewer doubts about authenticity, since transcripts would al- most certainly be distributed in advance.' He went on to give the closing words of various death-bed orations—Wedgbenn's were . . and privileged to have been invited to inaugurate this exciting new service . .
Other competitors tended to favour the brief but memorable parting shot. J. Craig offered the Chancellor a terse `Up Jenkins'; James Comyn's Noel Coward swoons 'It's Heaven' and Douglas Hawson's Mrs Whitehouse, censorious to the last, manages only a despairing 'Cut!' But concern with how people go to their death should not obscure another matter, of some sociological interest, namely who went. Top of the (popularity? unpopularity?) poll came Harold Wilson, closely followed by John Len- non, de Gaulle, Mao and David Frost. Only a few did the logical thing and picked on the pro- posers of the Bill, plus such death-defying figures as Lords Russell and Segal. Two guineas to each of the following:
A. J. Ayer: My work on metaphysics has ruled
out God, but verify! Verify! (T. Griffiths) De Gaulle : I'll be back. (James Comyn)
De Gaulle: It's worth trying; they say no one's
immortal. (Peter Peterson) Chairman Mao: I thought it would end like this . . . (B. L. Howarth)
F. R. Leavis: One anticipates Heaven with a joy tempered only by the requirement to re-
semble driven Snow. (John Digby)
Harold Wilson : I am closing only one of my
options. (T. St John Barry)
Malcolm Muggeridge: I would like to go down in history, but up thereafter (Mike McConville)
Richard Nixon : It's a great tribute to all you boys in Security that I've reached this moment.
(George van Schaick)
Martin Fagg: If St Peter doesn't like my entry, I'll try again as Tim O'Dowda (J. M. Crooks)
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