THE PRESS
Cold collation
BILL GRUNDY
Taking it all in all, I think it is very un- likely that I will be asked to stand as a Tory candidate at the next election. For one thing, I don't vote Conservative. But there are other reasons why, even if I suffered a Damascene conversion, I still wouldn't offer myself. I couldn't cope, for example, with all that rubbish about whether my wife is fit to be an MP'S lady. I don't think I could stand the sight and sound of the selection committee. And I am absolutely certain that I would merely give rude replies to the questions they asked me.
Those are old objections which I expect most of you to share. But now a new one has come up, or so I heard. For I was given to understand that Tory candidates in Labour- or Liberal-held marginal constitu- encies are being got at. They are being got at by no less than the Times. Times News- papers Ltd., as we all know, is devoted to polls; at least, it is addicted to Marplan, which is not, despite its name, a slimming diet invented by a former Tory PMG. but some sort of question-asking organisation. Now the Times is having a go itself. It is carrying out a poll of candidates, a poll which, I was told, is being conducted with the greatest secrecy.
But there is one. I know because a copy of the questionnaire came slipping through my letter-box the other day. It appears it is being sent to the seventy-five or so Tory candidates in marginals vulnerable to a 5 per cent swing. The Home News Editor says he is curious about some of the attitudes 'which might be reflected in the next Parlia- ment'. The issues raised, he says, 'are largely those which reflect the personality of the candidate', whatever that means. It is not the intention of the Times 'to pillory' can- didates for their views, which is nice of the Times, don't you think? Instead, the replies will be 'collated' by a member of the Times staff, Henry Stanhope, and will appear, non- attributed, in the Times later this month.
Since Mr Stanhope is presumably a highly- skilled journalist, I am sure that he will be able to fill up the space allotted to him. But it'll be sound and fury signifying just what sound and fury usually signify. For the questions read as though they have been dreamed up after a particularly good dinner at the Carlton Club, if that's not a contra- diction in terms.
The first question is straightforward— your age, job, religion, degree, if any (degree that is; you'd just better have a religion). Then come the harder ones, all of which, apparently, have to be answered, 'Yes' or 'No'. It is therefore a great disad- vantage that none of them can be answered 'Yes' or 'No', unless you happen to be Sir Cyril Osborne, Sir Cyril Black, or Lieuten- ant-Colonel Sir Walter Bromley-Davenport, whom God preserve, of Utrecht. Yet I am reliably informed that none of these three gentlemen is standing for a Labour-held marginal at the next general election. Let me give you some specimen questions. First: 'Do you believe we should enter the Common Market even if this means in- curring the intense displeasure of the Com- monwealth?' Then what about this: Do you agree with Britain's retreat from East of Suez?' Try this one for size: 'Do you think Mr Enoch Powell was justified in warning the country in the way he did of the need to control immigration more strictly?' See if this fourth one fits you: 'Do you believe we should re-introduce capital punishment if, at the end of the five-year experimental period next year the incidence of murder is shown to have increased?' There's also a question about selling 'defen- sive' arms to South Africa, Spain and Greece; and a highly hypothetical one ask- ing if you would have joined the Tories who abstained on the second reading of the Race Relations Bill last year.
The questions, as you can therefore see, are not much cop. For instance, to take the Powell question, a 'Yes' answer might mean that you believe in the need for stricter im- migration control. On the other hand it might mean that you don't, but that you do think Powell's speeches have stimulated some very necessary discussions. A `No' answer might mean that you don't believe we need stricter immigration control (or even any); or it might mean that you think we do. but the Powell method of raising the matter was wrong. It occurs to me that wondering whether you have stopped beat- ing your wife would not be inappropriate hereabouts.
These objections apply equally, of course, to the other questions. Since I do not think it likely that the Home News Editor of the Times, and Mr Henry Stanhope, his col- lator, are complete idiots, the same objec- tions will have occurred to them. Which means that they know that, however, much warmth Mr Stanhope brings to his work, the result is likely to be a very cold colla- tion indeed. For the questions are com- pletely useless as far as polling goes. But is that as far as they were intended to go? Is it only my mind that harbours the unworthy thought that maybe the Times is up to some- thing? Might Mr Rees-Mogg and his merry men not be up to the old game of manu- facturing stories? Since the replies can be interpreted any way he wishes, will not Mr Stanhope be able to announce that the Tories are split on race, Rhodesia, and retreats from East of Suez, or whatever, just as the fancy takes him? I hope I'm wrong because (even making all allowances for the silly season) this doesn't smell to me like responsible journalism.
1 can, however, add one thing. Because of a typing error, one question was missed off the quiz. Luckily I am able to supply it to you, so if those candidates already sweating over their papers would pay attention for a moment, Mr Stanhope would also like to collate your answers to this one: 'Do you believe that despite the intense displeasure it would incur, all immigrants who have re- treated from East of Suez should be hanged, even if they abstained on the Race Rela- tions Bill, as long as Mr Powell is able to show that the incidence of murder has in- creased despite supplying South Africa, Spain and Greece with defensive arms?'
Enjoy yourself, Mr Stanhope.
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