YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am a journalist on a national newspa- per. Recently, a clutch of faintly malicious and inaccurate stories has appeared about me in other newspaper diary columns and m Private Eye. Through a meticulous intelli- gence operation I have discovered that the source of these stories is none other than the man who sits next to me at work. My husband wants to give him a black eye but, even though he's been spying on me and profiting at my expense, I still enjoy my col- league's company and don't want to ruin a working relationship. How can I let him know that I know and stop him doing it again, while remaining on amicable terms? Name withheld, London El A. Why not take a tip from Earl Spencer, who planted a false trail to expose the friend who was leaking his secrets? Allow your col- league to overhear you confiding some spicy but untrue nuggets about yourself into the telephone. When, a few days later, the libel- lous story appears in print, you can ask for the apology to run as follows: 'We unre- servedly apologise for the story about Miss X, Mr Gordon Brown and the chocolate bis- cuits. The story was wholly inaccurate and had no basis in truth whatsoever. Miss X has waived damages in sympathy for the col-
Dear Mary. . .
league in her office who was the source of our story and who, she is aware, was acting without malice.'
Q. Foolishly and impetuously I have offend- ed a journalist. He asked me a question, and I responded tersely. I am sorry to have to tell you that the expression I used was 'Sod off'. This is a gentleman (his own description) of immense distinction, popular and respected — indeed venerated — by all his colleagues. He disposes of immense power and influ- ence. I am filled with remorse, so much so that I have difficulty in sleeping at night. What should I do?
A.C., Westminster, London SW1 A. Telephone the journalist in question and say, 'I don't know if you're aware of this, but when one is coming round from a bout of unconsciousness or a general anaesthetic one is prone either to being very amorous or to using offensive language. It's coming back to me that I may have been offensive towards you a couple of weeks ago."Well, yes, actual- ly, you were,' he will reply. 'But I had no idea you were coming round from a . . . "Let's say no more about it,' you can interrupt, 'but if I was rude I am filled with remorse and I hope you will accept my apologies.'
Q. Although I have a good figure, when I saw the model Iman at a party the other night I was rather envious of her steatopygous bot- tom. Is it possible for an Englishwoman to have silicone enhancement in this area?
LB., London W1 A. Why go for surgical intervention when you can achieve the same effect cosmetical- ly? Pop along to Rigby & Peller, corsetieres of Hans Road, SW1, where you can buy a pair of silicone pads for between £150 and £200. These are intended to be slipped into brassieres, but there is no reason why they should not be accommodated within some specially adapted pants in order to give enhanced height and roundness to your own buttockal area.
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