Ringing the Bell

SPECTATOR COMP Report by H

Given the example of an inscription on an similar verses (quatrains or couplets) suitable a New Town, the Party Whip, a Closed Shop, a School Trunk, a London Transport Bus, the old bell, competitors were asked to suggest for inscription on any two of the following: a Guided Missile, an Atomic Power Station, Scoreboard at Wimbledon.

I present my report,

Which I've tried to keep short. Some of you did quite well, And a few rang the bell.

If you did miss the bus,

Please do not swear and cuss.

And so I might run on. The couplet about 'Lady Hopton's hundred pound' that went to pay for the bell at Bath was taken from Tom Ingram's interesting book Bells in England, which contains other examples of the same kind of thing. These old inscriptions on bells are not usually master- pieces of poetry, and even their grammar may be a little shaky, as is shown by the example that I quoted. Sometimes the inscriptions are purely factual, giving an indication of the bell's origin or history, but sometimes they betray a certain self-satisfaction, or even boastfulness. And admonitions to the hearer are not lacking. These, broadly speaking, are the characteristics that we shall be looking for.

In present circumstances it was perhaps not sur- prising to find that the London Bus attracted more competitors than any other item, but the Guided Missile and the New Town followed close behind. The bus strike in London was the commonest theme, and appeared in many guises. One of the neatest entries on this subject was that of G. P. Allen :

As a Bus am I being over-fussy

To claim that a Bus should be Bus-y?

My relations and I stand idle in dozens. Are we Bus-t? To be Frank, it's up to our Cousins.

More than one competitor attributed to the scoreboard at Wimbledon a knowledge of golden panties which have not, as far as I know, yet reached our shores. The scoreboard must be well

read in more senses than one. Gerda Mayer had a message for lady contestants at Wimbledon :

A functional use this board fulfils, It counts the bounces, not the frills.

School trunks apparently serve many purposes. If we are to believe T. A. Howell,

Times readers of tomorrow store their Beanos here today.

I liked the ruthless rhyme of Richard Smith Wright :

This trunk belongs to Johnson Mi, (a murderous boy and full of sin); Just lift the lid and you will spy The rotting trunk of Johnson Min.

The final selection of the prizewinners was not easy. After reading and re-reading a number of proffered inscriptions, I decided to award a guinea and a half to W. G. Daish and to D. R. Peddy. Prizes of a guinea each go to Areas, George Hurren and C. J. Weston. Those commended, in addition to those already quoted, are : Douglas Hawson, F. A. V. Madden and A. M. Sayers.

PRIZES

A SCHOOL TRUNK

When with young sir to school I goes, They crams me tight with food and clothes. And when we comes back home again, My innard's like young master's brain.

A NEW TOWN I am everything that's new; Houses, streets and people, too.

One thing not yet up-to-date you're Going to find, tho'; human nature.

(W. O. DAISH)

THE PARTY WHIP My threefold thongs, which bring the strays to heel, Have even, sometimes, raised the public weal.

A GUIDED MISSILE Mark I of me fell on the Ritz Hotel; They told my chief `We're firing you as we And thus is Major Muff (Retd.), RA, Unable, he regrets, to launch today.

(D. R. PEDDY)

A GUIDED MISSILE

I strive to make potential foes afraid By apt obliteration's artful aid.

A SCHOOL, TRUNK I bear the prison uniform; with luck, I also bear the compensating tuck. (ARGO) A NEW TOWN Red brick and slated now I stand, Thanks to Squire who sold the land, And thanks to all who money lent, Including Banks—at 6 per cent.

A CLOSED SHOP

Show your cards, or come not near : The Elect alone are welcome here.

(GEORGE HURRI

A NEW TOWN Around the People's Homes the trees Are softly ruffled by the breeze; And, Stranger, as our Town you enter, Don't miss the new Communal Centre.

AN ATOMIC POWER STATION In days of old hard workers would Get Alpha Plus for Very Good.

But now at ease the lotus-eater

Reserves his highest praise for Zeta.

(C. I. WESTC

COMMENDED

THE WIMBLEDON SCOREBOARD I show your Love and not your Hate, 0 read and learn and imitate!

(DOUGLAS HAWS( A New TOWN My lack of soul you cannot understand? I did not grow like others. I was planned.

(P. A. V. MADDI

A GUIDED MISSILE What sets me, primed for devastation, here Hardly the courage of mankind. No FEAR!

(A. M. SAYER

14) N)

N)

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