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COMPETITION

Reductio ad absurdum

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1986 you were invited to reduce the plot of a well-known piece of narrative literature to three limer- icks.

I know a very distinguished poet who, when it comes to limericks, has been known to stumble metrically. A 'tin ear', sometimes betrayed by a single line (`To receive the wages of sin reflected', for example), disqualified a dozen of you. Stanley J. Sharpless, Tony Robinson, Tim Hopkins, G.S. Wright, Jonathan Sleigh and Peter Norman were short-listed, but it is the winners, printed below, who get the £25 each of prize money.

The bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Mike Morrison for his reduction of Lord of the Flies, Which I happen to be rereading this week.

A plane-crash: young lads are enisled; Without grown-ups' laws they turn wild. Ralph and Jack vie to rule As though prefects in school, But contention is not reconciled.

A conch-shell keeps order when blown: Piggy's specs are the sine qua non For survival; they're broken, And by this grim token The seeds of destruction are sown.

Piggy's murdered, the island's ablaze; Ralph mourns for lost, innocent ways.

Rescue's not far behind, Yet the beast in mankind Will beset them the rest of their days.

(Mike Morrison) The ultimate act of Creation Provoked an archangel's vexation; The war he began Was in envy of Man - 'Let him share my enforced degradation!'

A dream of a garden to trip in Was Adam and Eve's: let him slip in And, shaped like a snake, He'd persuade them to break Their Lord's ban on a cognitive pippin. They'd been warned — but the serpent succeeded. The knowledge? That fig leaves were needed; And with Paradise lost There'd be birth pangs and frost And all gardens would have to be weeded.

(Mary Holtby) Raskolnikov's life isn't sunny, He pawns a few things to get money From a greedy old witch Who is stinkingly rich; To kill her, he thinks, would be funny.

He'll show the old hag who's the master, No more than a louse he has classed her; So he goes to her flat, And he kills the old bat, But her sister disturbs him — disaster!

He suffers ill-health and delusion, His mind is a mass of confusion; When a wily old sleuth Exposes the truth, Crime is punished — a novel conclusion.

(Frank McDonald) Troy reels as Greek army attacks, But Achilles gets into a wax And refuses to fight Because of some slight Differential in loot. Morale cracks. Along comes Troy's army director, A prince but a plonker, called Hector, And to cheering in Troy Kills Achilles' toy-boy (Mistaking him for his protector).

Achilles at that throws a fit, Slaughters Hector, and, being a shit, Drags his corpse without pity Three times round the city.

Apart from the padding, that's it.

(Colin Sydenham) Failed shopkeeper, poor Mr Polly Was born to be sanguine and jolly, But intestinal strife And a petulant wife Had brought him mid-life melancholy.

At his wit's end in this situation, He decided on self-immolation.

Fate stepped in: his shop-fire Proved no funeral pyre, But won him the town's commendation.

Luck was now on his side, there's no doubt, So he left his wife cash, and cleared out. With his health soon restored, He found bliss, bed and board At an inn — that's what life's all about!

(Geoffrey Riley) Doctor Faustus, consumed by ambition, Used magic to bring its fruition. Midst thunder and flame Mephistopheles came, With a nose for impending perdition.

The deal was that Faustus acquired The power and wealth he desired In exchange for the whole Of his body and soul When twenty-four years had expired.

So Faustus, enriched, had a ball, But later regretted it all, For twenty-four years Very soon disappears, -While eternity's quite a long haul.

(Noel Petty)

No. 1989: Sex 'n' food There is a vogue for novels in which the activities of characters in bed with each other are described as if they were eating a three-course meal. You are invited to reverse this: to provide a restaurant critic's account of a meal, which is tiresomely loaded with sexual language. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1989' by 26 June.