COMPETITION

Short ballade

Jaspistos

I

n Competition No. 1578 you were in- vited to write a short ballade, the refrain being either 'The Minister declines to speak' or 'I couldn't care a frozen hoot'. A pity there's no bonus bottle this week since many of you were in top form, rivalling those arch-balladeers, Belloc and Chesterton. (Three of their best refrains are surely 'I think I will not hang myself today', 'The ice is breaking up on every side', and 'I simply wag my great big furry ears'.) Keith Norman, Mortimer Spreader, Robert Baird, Richard Watts, 0. Smith and Martin Fagg only just failed to make the cut, which leaves five very meritorious prizewinners, printed below, who get a bumper £16 each.

The tanks go clanking through the Square, The well-drilled troops display their guns; The Chinese parents who despair Weep for their daughters and their sons. The flow of blood appals the West, The carnage (which is not unique) Reveals the British at their best: The Minister declines to speak.

There is a sadness in his smile, A throbbing in the throat he clears; The sympathetic crocodile Could never shed so many tears.

His sense of decency is strong, His voice may sound a trifle weak And barely carries to Hong Kong. The Minister declines to speak.

We must admire Sir Geoffrey Howe, If only for his bloody cheek: Though honour calls for action now, The Minister declines to speak.

(Roger Woddis) I am an owl and love to eat A mouse or, better still, a shrew - I always say you cannot beat A little bit of shrew to chew: If you are not flesh-eating you

Will say I am a heartless brute,

But my reaction will be Pooh!

I couldn't care a frozen hoot.

If you're a bunting who likes wheat And you sincerely hold the view It will improve your tweet-tweet-tweet If you eat ears of corn, please do! We've grown to adulthood, we two - So what, if by a different route? If you won't come and share my stew I couldn't care a frozen hoot.

I must have meat in my ragout - For me there is no substitute.

If I offend, to-whit, tu-whoo!

I couldn't care a frozen hoot. (Stanley Shaw) Within the Presbyterian Frees A wicked Lord is found to lurk. His crime? Consorting with RCs - As black a deed as turning Turk! The pious brethren go berserk.

Why does this Calvinistic clique So savagely thrust in the dirk?

The Minister declines to speak.

The non-elect may taunt and tease, The unbelievers scoff and smirk, But, fearful of idolatries, The Presbytery will not shirk Its solemn task. What is the quirk That makes a faith so dour, so bleak?

What Christian grace gleams from the murk?

The Minister declines to speak.

Prince of all Schisms, see your work!

Could you more impish mischief wreak?

What says the Synod of the Kirk?

The Minister declines to speak.

(Geoffrey Riley) My grant at university Has gone on girls and boozing, plus Nags that have met adversity And should have been victorious.

Now, though the time of exodus Finds and shall find me up the chute, I'll bravely face life's blunderbuss [ couldn't care a frozen hoot.

My tutor reckons my degree Will prove so damned inglorious The thought of folks employing me Is really too uproarious.

It's clearly time I went to suss The old man out for all his loot; No doubt he'll fume and blow his truss - I couldn't care a frozen hoot.

Prince, when your royal parents fuss And say you're just an idle brute, May I suggest you answer thus: 'I couldn't care a frozen hoot.' (Michael Lee) It's Question Time. The House awaits Those non-informative replies Prepared by Whitehall potentates From files denied to mortal eyes. Though able to economise With truth, and master of technique In cutting members down to size, The Minister declines to speak.

Are we importing dental plates From Zanzibar? Is Kensal Rise Subsiding? Is it true the States Now boycott Melton Mowbray pies? Can he confirm Icelandic spies Have penetrated Mozambique? 'Answer!' insistent Labour cries.

The Minister declines to speak.

Prince, do you plan to privatise The Inland Revenue? A leak Reveals it is no wild surmise.

The Minister declines to speak.

(Peter Hadley)