YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am the mother of the most enchanting 15-month-old girl twins. Part of my daily rou- tine is to strap them into their large double pram and parade up and down the King's Road near our Chelsea home. This is quite a spectacle and numerous passers-by stop to admire my progeny, murmuring, 'Twins, how sweet', 'Such a lovely sight' or 'What beauti- ful babies.' Can you tell me please, Mary, what is the correct response to such compli- ments? Should I smile but rudely stride on, or stop to acknowledge their words and therefore feel obliged to engage in conversa- tion regarding age, sex, identicalness, etc.?
M.K, London SW3 A. Clearly, one is grateful for such gifts from God. However, compliments are bound to be excited every 50 yards or so during the display of adorable twins of the type you mention. Enforced boastfulness, and a halting of momentum which could enrage the twins, would be the result of responding to each compliment in full. The solution is to simply deter the well-wishers at source by donning a Romanian gypsy headscarf before setting out from home.
Q. I am very fond of alcohol and for years my social life has revolved around the con- sumption of a good deal of it, but, for health reasons, I have given up drink for the fore- seeable future. Next week I am taking an
Dear Mary. . .
aged friend out to lunch. I have not yet bro- ken to her the news that I will not be drink- ing. We see each other only about twice a year, and one of the main things we have/had in common was drinking to excess. She will not enjoy the lunch if she thinks I am piously abstaining while she is quarting back the sauce as per usual. My friend has a forceful personality and I am worried she will try to insist that I come off the wagon for this one lunch. I am naturally wary of `slipping', so how can I stick to my guns with- out alienating my old, slightly bossy friend?
Name and address withheld A. Put in a call to the maitre d' of the restaurant that you intend to patronise and explain your position in advance. When the waiter comes to take your drinks order, announce, 'Funnily enough, I really feel like some of that extra strong lager you some- times have in your cellar, but I'd like to order some wine for my friend. . . . ' The waiter will have been briefed by the maitre d' to bring on as many glasses of pre-poured `extra strong lager' (which is secretly alco- hol-free Kaliber) as necessary. Meanwhile, your friend can carry on throwing back the wine, content in her perception that you must be getting much drunker than she is.
Q. I do not like it when people drop in without ringing first. Most of my friends are civilised enough not to do so, but there is one who makes a habit of ringing from the call-box in our village to ask if he can drop in, i.e. two minutes later. How can you say no? We are obviously in if we have answered the telephone, and I like him very much, but sometimes it really does not suit.
L.K, Shropshire A. A service from British Telecom called `Smart Divert' costs £14.10 quarterly and exists to ensure that all calls to one number can be redirected to another with the account-holder paying any extra charges incurred. The service can be turned on and off at will, using a code number, from home or away, and without incoming callers know- ing they are being diverted. Next time it does not suit, tell your friend, 'Oh, I wish I'd known you were coming. We're not at home, you see. Our telephone is on Smart Divert and you've got through to our mobile.'
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