No. 645. The winners
Charles Seaton reports: A recent 'situations vacant' advertisement in the Daily Telegraph ran: 'PAPER BAG TACKLER required. Experience with Chadwicks or B/F essential.' Competitors, asked to submit applications for the post or to provide an extract from the memoirs of a Paper Bag Tackler, opted by a large majority for the first choice.
The possibilities (indeed, the uncertainties) of this intriguing post attracted a number of new applicants. There was a great variety of interpre- tations of the duties required from a FBI. They ranged from the comparatively conventional (if unfathomable) tone of this (from J. D. Crispin): . . . Though my early training was on Chad- wicks, using both alternating feed and folded seam processes, I am bound to say that some of my best tackling has been achieved on B/F equipment, and my experience indicates that this is because the elliptical spline flanges on the latter are less likely to foul the traversing wormwheel when operated in the self-locking position, especially if the knurled trunnion is adjusted for maximum feedback during periods of dry weather, or when involved in gum and print work for the retail trade . . • and this (from Fergus Porter):
. . Re your ad. seeking Paper Bag Tackler, I have the honour to apply. B/F has not come my way so far, but my experience with Chadwicks is unequalled. I was Master-Cornerer and Edge-Binder on the Great Milwall Parcel some years ago and still have the written commenda- tion from Jos. Chadwicks himself . . ,
to the free enterprise of this (from Lance A. Haward): Dear Sir, Re your tempting invite, I had given up paper- bag, before going in my third time, as not being very luke, but I might be interested to return to this line of work if, as sounds, you as something rewarding lined up. Peraps with the armoured vans getting nicked as prime targets you've got wind of a cargo of rocks going by parse!, where a quick dipping woud be neater than a scrambel wiv ammonia eh? Be that as it may I woud avise you that I av experience of all forms of dip from haversack to inside brest having lernt my art at Harry Cramp's South London Aca- demy for the reabilitation of the Temporary Disposessed. As you will know it was the Brix- ton Fingers who was responsible for making paper-bag a seprate study, with its spesial diffi- cultys of noise-levell, execra . . .
But out of all entries I succumbed to the allure of sonsie Kirsty MacTavish and award her letter four pounds. Other prizes are: three pounds to Rufus Stone and two pounds each to Roderick Fisher, Amy Johnson and Lance A. Haward.
A paper bag tackler (in case you would like to know) sets up, cleans and maintains the bag- making machines, which are called (after their manufacturers) Chadwicks and Beasley, French (B/F). And if you are still hankering after it, the firm that advertised tell me that the post has not yet been filled.
(I. S. B. Adams)
Falls of Inverbreekie Near Invertrews Dear Sir or Madman,
1 am after seeing your awful good advert in a newspaper I was wrapping the tumshies * in for Lachy MacCulloch sure I can be a fine paper bag tackler certain if the Lord spares me. Just now I am fixed in Jeannie's wee sweetie shop God rest her soul the good woman that she was indeed I have been tackling paper bags for over forty years wee big soft hard wet and dry pokes and I am not after bragging when I say I am a paper bag basher too. When the bag gets blown she is bashed and hooch! she frightens away yon big shaggy red coos. Murdo Mor that has been to Edinburgh University says that I am the most CONSUMMATE BO he has ever seen and he a fine lad of learning with it.
Your backtickler, Kirsty MacTavish * turnips (Rufus Stone) Gentlemen,
In response to your coded ad for a counter- operator (Tackler) against the gospel of the shriller literary exponents of Women's Lib (Paper Bags), I am delighted to offer my ser- vices; and am prepared to engage in any activi- ties (legal or otherwise) to thwart, ridicule, de- flate or denigrate these latest and most impudent manoeuvres of the Monstrous Regiment of Women. As a former employee of 'Chadwicks', the cover-named sub-agency of the CIA charged with ferreting out and publicising any disreput- able data about the private lives of militant Women's Libbers in the USA, and as a founder member of B/F or the 'Bust Feminism' move- ment, I feel myself exceptionally well qualified to fulfil these duties to your (and my) satis- faction.
Yours faithfully, Achilles Wilhelm Cruddy (Roderick Fisher) At the County Fair, I heads fer the prize- shootin', pays my dollar an' jines the contest- ants. Eighty paces, ahead there's rows of paper bags blowed up an' tied to a rail, a-flutterin' in the breeze. I recall that Micah Potter's beside me with his new-fangled repeatin' rifle. Well, I busts five of my bags an' finishes reloadin my oP muzzle-loader fer the last, when barn! there's Resurrection Chadwick an' his two sons on the hillside a-drawin' bead on me. Quicker'n lightnin', I drills Luke Chadwick, then grabbin' Micah's Winchester, drops Eli an' then ol' Resurrection real pretty. 'Reck'n I'm due an extry shot, Judge,' I sez. 'Right, Marshal,' sez Judge Flinders, 'I'd no idee you knowed how to handle them pesky B/Fs.' L jest levels that Breech-loadin' Firearm again, busts my last bag. an' wins the prize. 'You're sure some ornery paper bag tackler, Marshal,' he sez.
(Amy Johnson) respected sur i ave bin tole yew want a takler i no orl abart chadwicks and bfs (bfs are nbg sur) u oarnt teeth me hennyfink as i ave bin taklin man and boy these larst thurty hate years they never split on me bags i takled twenny year ago are still in yewse and keep up fine gimme a charns to takle yore own bags sur and they will stay fast and trew sur no oles nowares u carn't beet yores trewly edward arthur stjohn mortimer
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