20 APRIL 2002, Page 41

One Man to Another

Salute me! I have tamed my daughter's face With hot oil, and my honour has been saved. It's not to be defied that I have slaved. She talks a lot less now she knows her place.

Most of her mouth can still move, and one eye Could stare in hatred if she wanted to. I'm proud to say her protests have been few Apart from that absurd initial cry.

That was the evil spirit leaving her.

She really should have dealt with it herself.

She said she'd rather end up on the shelf Than marry our best choice. What thoughts occur To girls nowadays! Next they will want a say In what to wear and when to buy a book. Here, take your mother's mirror. Take a look. What have you got in store for me today?

You thought to shake my faith? Weil, you have found My faith shakes you, and will again, I swear, If you continue with that hang-dog air: If you continue with that whining sound.

Can't you be grateful we still keep you here? We could have sent you out there to the dust Where people fight for every cow-pat crust. We don't ask for a grin from ear to ear, But now no man would want you, we still do, So cut the sulky pout. To many another Far worse than this has happened. Ask your mother.

I don't know what the world is coming to.

See how she slinks inside. If not with grace She seems to have accepted, more or less, Some limit to a woman's wilfulness. The lesson hurt us both, but met the case.

Salute me! I have tamed my daughter's face. Clive James