The gadarene syndrome

Nicholas von Hoffman

Washington Upon overhearing the Chairman of the Pennsylvania delegation to the Republican National Convention complain that their hotel was a hundred miles from nowhere in a corn field, the manager of the Kansas City Hilton said throw the whole lot of them out unless formal apologies were tendered. Apparently they were because, as of last report, the Pennsylvanians were hanging in there but the manager had done them an act of kindness. Expulsion from Kansas City at any time is a blessing: in August it is a life-saving measure.

Doubtless the people who selected the place had what they thought were their crafty political reasons for doing this to themselves. The truth is the Republican Party believes America is the Midwest and there is nothing Midwesterner than Kansas City, unless it's Wichita. a city in an adjacent state where a maniacal gunman made himself comfortable on the top floor of the Holiday Inn the other day and commenced sniping at his fellow citizens. The summer sun is ideal for the wheat and it should further inflame the cerebral cortex of the disillusioned and furious segment of the party which can't forgive Governor Reagan his choice of a running mate.

While the advance guard of the Republicans bake their brains into crackers, the rest of the country is occupied with other forms of sunstroke. From Hollywood the word was that they're going to make a sequel to Gone With The Wind. A precocious hurricane made as if it would destroy New York City, but Manhattan continued to avoid all simple solutions: lastly, there were the twenty-seven Members of the Pennsylvania branch of the American Legion who died of an as yet undefined disease following attendance at their annual convention.

Instead of serving as a warning to Americans to stop going to so many conventions, the tragic incident was the catalyst by which the administration finally got its swine flu Bill through Congress. The swine flu, or Ford's Syndrome, as it is referred to by those cynics bold enough to joke about death, will serve as an excellent example of what happens to a nation which insists it is a free enterprise society in the teeth of every practical consideration.

Last winter several soldiers died of a viral influenza that some doctors—by no means all—thought might be as dangerous as the one which caused the terrible pandemic of

1918. why it was named swine flu is either a mystery of medical taxonomy or the work of an obscure pressure group which objects to our naming flu epidemics after cities in Asia i.e. Hong Kong flu.

ver in search of an occasion to look like he can handle the job, Mr Ford announced that every buttock in America would be inoculated against the disease. That made the crisis official and there was something close to subsurface panic, made worse by naming the thing after the pig, an animal which we eat over here but are not happy with.

Mind you, at this point there was no vaccine: even now that one has been developed, no one can say how effective it is or even whether or not it may be more dangerous than what it is supposed to protect the patient from. Congress hesitated passing the programme, however, not for medical reasons but because the insurance companies, who know a chancy thing when they see one, refused to sell protection to the vaccine manufacturers against the possibility that the dead and the disappointed would file suit for damages. There the matter stood for weeks until the Legionaires began toppling over from an unknown cause, but one which has definitely been established as not swine flu. On the strength of this non sequitur the Congress passed a Bill that will permit inoculation victims to sue the Government which will in turn sue the drug manufacturers. What happens to the public health is anyone's guess. Politically, it won't matter, since we won't start keeling over until after the elections.

While Mr Ford has been trying to cadge delegates, keep up his dignity and save us from the pigs—a combination that's even harder to pull off than walking and chewing gum simultaneously—Jimmy Carter has been wrestling with the over-exposure problem. It is settled doctrine among the practical politicoes that a candidate who is seen too often and too early in a campaign tries the public patience. The trick is to know exactly how mita of your smiling dynamic face the voters can take.

Consequently Jiminy Peanut has been sticking close to Plains, Georgia, thereby enforcing his non-Washington image. This has its drawbacks. It means the press gets to interview Jimmy's baby brother, Billy, who runs the gas station and has let it be known he thinks anybody who'd run for President is a damn fool. The saintly Democrat has also permitted pictures of himself playing baseball in spite of Teddy Roosevelt's advice to his successor, William Howard Taft, never to allow himself to be photographed taking part in games.

Of course, Mr Taft weighed 350 pounds while the Georgian aescetic is properly modern and svelte, at least around the waist. The head is another matter, judging from a speech he made in New Hampshire

the other day. 'We're going to reverse ihe trend that we've experienced in the Pas! that has destroyed the American familY, Revd Carter intoned, 'I pledge to you Mai every statement I make, every decision I make, will give your families a decent chance to be strong again.' To further this admirable aim he appointed a Washington. YeS a Washington lawyer-pot, as 'a special advisor to me on how federal programuha! can aid, and support the American familY.

Any other politician's promise to save the American family could be swept out with the peanut shells, but Carter tries to maite

. good on his campaign exuberances. So it'll be interesting to see how he squares his loyalty to social conservatism with his other promises to the women's groups to back such anti-familial measures as day

care centres for children.

The man is thrashing around for those two or three issues that can give his earn' paign focus. After promising to save the family in New Hampshire, he visited the city of sin, Washington. There he endorsed the consumer protection agency legislation Nader has been trying to get enacted the past years, but stands like that probablY can't give him the lift he is looking for. They do reassure liberals, a group wilt) have again been shaken by new revelations of FBI naughtinesses. Not only are indict. ments expected against FBI emploYees alleging corruption, but evidence has cone to light showing that burglaries and other illegal acts against politically unpopular groups have been more frequent and More recent than the bureau's Director, Clarence Kelley, had said. This gentleman, an honest flatfoot from Kansas City with back trouble' came forth a few days ago to confess that he had been deceived by his subordinates in this regard. The poor man is on recthlid predicting quick relief for his sacroiliac an t an early reform for his organisation, Id° everybody knows how tricky bad backs call be and then there is information suggesttr! that the Justice Department is doing 111°' wire-tapping now than it did under Nixon. t Carter has soothing things to say ab°a„ the FBI situation too, even as he has bee"_ inviting a string of liberal economists dow" to Plains to play ball and give him Pr°%; grammatic ideas. The latest figures sh°, unemployment up and inflation still hire by historic standards: Nevertheless, there are eighty-eight million people with guilt kind of job and the doubt is growing tht unemployment can be pushed down fr°"i its current 7 or 8 per cent level without Ye,. more inflation or some serious restructuril, of the economy in ways the populace is° yet prepared to entertain. A for The good Peanut shouldn't be faulte*, his sketchy economics: that's traditiotia' with presidents and if the profesacirff advisors from the Wharton School Finance and other dusty places of prestr confuse him, he does have an excuse. can pledge himself to use the full resource; of otthheer.government to save the Ameri rn ca