SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 39

Report by R. S. Stanier

Reform of time-tables is in the air.- For the comfort of passengers h is surely just as important to know that a horde of school-children will invade the train (except on Saturdays) at Yorkrninster as to know that the 5.42 calls to pick up at Thatcham on Mondays. A prize of £5 was offered for six examples of the sort of information which time-tables ought to include.

As I had resolved to give the prize to the entry which made me laugh most, I had anticipated that the judging would be a fairly easy task ; but, alas for these subjective criteria, I found myself laughing most at entries which, for one reason or another, were inevitably disqualified. Delightful, for instance, as it would be if all information in railway time-tables were conveyed in rhymed couplets, verisimilitude, if not realism, forbids R. Kennard Davis to get away with that medium. It is not, I confess, likely that any time-table will ever contain entries like "Seat 8, Carriage A of this train is reserved for Henry Smith, Esq., of Eccles and Peabody, Stock- brokers. Seat 7 is reserved for his Times" (Julian More), but there is a horrid plausibility about it ; and the same may be said of Margaret Usborne's "Ticket Collector Labour candidate. O.K. to travel 1st on 3rd ticket."

Other favourite suggestions concerned seats facing the engine, tunnels, connections, dirt, food, smells, and—on the credit side— views and flowers. Quotable examples might be classified under the headings of Optimism, Cynicism and Fantasy. The following selection, sad to say, contains seven " cynicals " to one " optimistic " and three " fantastics."

DOUGLAS HAWSON

MB Misses once weekly bus to Great Boring by five minutes. MM Meat in buffet sandwiches Mondays.

CM or FM Cricket or Football match usually in progress and visible from train.

W. M. L. ESCOMBE EB Frequently used by member of Railway Executive. Liable to run to time.

A. D. C. PETERSON

d Connection with High Level by 612 steps and half a mile of passage. p Rear coaches stop quarter of a mile short of platform.

P. D. DE IONGH

TT This journey took Dr. Johnson 51 hours in 1783 (see Boswell's

Life of Johnson).

W. NORMAN DIXON Often water is available from the taps on this train. The last coaches in the bay are not usually coupled to this train. If possible passengers will be warned not to make use of these.

J. W. D. BENDALL There will be no one on duty at Marlesford on Wednesdays. Staff free day. Descending passengers should leave tickets in the pail provided for the purpose at the station entrance.

ETHEL M. KENNEDY

The 10.15 will call at every station from Land's End to John o' Groats.

But six suggestions were called for, and in recommending the award of prizes I have felt it necessary to take into account the blending and balance of the whole. On this ground I put first David James and E. P. Stanham. The former, beginning and ending with fantasy, has sufficient " body " in the middle to take off the acidity; the latter, milder and more reticent, repays study, and even if British Railways could not find space to publish his scholia, experience should soon teach the public to appreciate the value of his footnotes. I recommend accordingly the award of 30s. each to David James and E. P. Stanham, and consolation prizes of 10s. to Douglas Hawson, A. D. C. Peterson, W. Norman Dixon and H. V. T. Burton.

PRIZEWINNERS (DAVID JAMES) (As a keen Bradshavian, I submit these on condition that they are used solely as footnotes to Bradshaw ; let us have no truck with "simplified" time-tables.) I. Stops short of station for 7 minutes to go "Chuck-a chuck-a-chuck-chuck-a-chuck. . . ."

2, Restaurant car: the meal is dreadful but the Beaujolais strangely palatable.

3. An unusually clean train: 3rd is just as „comfortable as 1st and has, of course, far nicer people travelling.

4. ehanges direction here: seats " facing" become "back to."

5. Buffet: Often has cigarettes.

6. Arrives on time.

(E. P. STANHAM)

Symbol.- Meaning.

A This train will be pushed by the engine, not pulled.

B Platforms will appear either all on the port or (B2) all on the starboard side.

C Door-handles on this train are on the outside only.

• Boy with evening papers will

be near 3rd-class compart- ments during short stop at Bookminster.

E Train stops at Little Melsham with ALL carriages opposite platform.

F That in spite of E the guard's

van will draw up actually on Melsham level-crossing. Object.

For the benefit of those who say they like sitting facing the engine."

For long-legged people to select an undisturbed seat.

For parents' peace of mind.

So that -remainder of parents' journey does not have to be made in guard's van.

For the benefit of the non. jumper.

So that the gates cannot be opened for 'road traffic and the last bus is effectively prevented from starting for the village until the train has gone on.