YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. My predicament is this. I have a wonder- ful, patient and competent secretary. Her one fault is invariably to arrive five to ten minutes late every morning, past the agreed 8.30 a.m. start. At that time patients usually begin to telephone to obtain appointments for the day, and I wonder what I can do to bring this firmly to her attention without offending her feelings. Your advice would be much appreciated.
Dr X, address withheld.
A. As analysts believe that being late is a way of drawing attention to oneself the only solution is to trick your secretary with a false deadline. Tell her you want to begin at 8.15 a.m. each morning from now on. In that way you should be able to guarantee that she will be at her desk at 8.30 a.m. She will still be alive with the inner excitement of knowing that others will have been thinking about her with intensity during those missing minutes.
Q. There was an enquiry a few weeks ago about the modern expression for heavy pet- ting (`having a love tumble'). May I recom- mend a very old word that I have come across: grubble. It means grope, but seems
Dear Mary.. .
rather a pleasant word. The OED gives a translation of Ovid: There I will be
And there we cannot miss, Perhaps to grubble Or at least to kiss.
Perhaps you could persuade the editor of The Spectator to promote its usage in arti- cles in the magazine.
SB, Wells, Somerset.
A. Thank you for your suggestion. I regret to say I find the word unpleasant with its auditory reminders of both grubs and fum- bling.
Q. My sister-in-law has a fairly heavy blonde Jimmy Edwards-style handlebar moustache. I think she feels that ecause she bleaches it there is no need or her to take any other action such as electrolysis to get rid of it for good. How can I gently hint to her that the moustache really is quite striking in sunlight without my husband accusing me of 'getting at' her?
Name and address withheld.
A. There is a marvellous new solution to this sort of problem. It is fortunately avail- able through the services of someone who advertises in The Spectator as a photograph- ic retoucher, and whose telephone number is 081 428 4122. Simply take an ordinary photograph of your sister-in-law's face next time you see her. Send it off to Paul Wig- more for retouching with the specific request that rather than remove the mous- tache he exaggerates it. Next time you see your sister-in-law you can simply make her an innocent present of the snapshot show- ing the full Jimmy Edwards in all its luxuri- ance. This will surely trigger her to seek the advice of an electrolysist.
Dear Mary — The Spectator Book of Solu- tions (HarperCollins £7.99) is now avail- able.
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