On Not Going Abroad'

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 256 Report by Allan M. Laing A prize of £5 was offered for a Ballade (three stanzas and an envoi) designed. sincerely or satirically, for the Holidays in Britain movement, with the refrain: 'Why should I want to go abroad?' Humour was expected and wit indispensable.

Wit and humour, specifically asked for, were not, I regret to say, furnished in abundance. Most competitors seemed less than half-hearted in their expressed dubiety about the virtues of foreign holidays, one of them even noting that his entry might just as well be called a Ballade of Sour Grapes. Neither was the satirical intent in any case really biting. Nevertheless, I am glad to learn that at least one competitor, Uladh, found that even to attempt the ballade Was fun.

I have chosen three winners t9 share the prize equally : Leslie Johnson, H. A. C. Evans and Sir Patrick Laird, and curtail my report so that there may be space for all three entries.

PRIZES

(LESLIE JOHNSON)

The poet wrote, of those who tear

Across the seas on travel bent, That what they change is upper air Or sky, but not their minds' content.

This view I bless with my assent. No travel-bug my heart has gnawed; I'm happy in my native Kent. Why should I want to go abroad?

Let zealots tell of places where Their restless holidays were spent.

To tales of lands beyond compare A willing ear I've never lent.

I've feigned polite astonishment When travelled friends have stopped and jawed.

Achilles-like I hug my tent.

Why should 4 want to go abroad?

The travel agents have a flair For lurid); the reluctant gent. A pleasure trill tram here to there

Holds charms quite easy to invent, That may impress the innocent. 1 do not say the thing's a fraud;

I merely hold to my intent. Why should I want to go abroad?

Yes, Magnate, I am well aware, Regarding all the tours you laud, You get a rake-off on the fare.

Why should I want to go abroad?

(H. A. C. EVANS)

The mountains look on Marathon, And I um looking at the rain, Glad I'm not on the Rhine at Bonn Or sipping cognac by the Seine; Though some may sneer at my disdain Of places many men belaud, Since England's got all they contain, Why should I want to go abroad?

Let others boast that they have gone To taste the vintage in Champagne; can get just as tiddly on Ten pints of beer at home. In vain They swank about their hike in Spain O'er crag and torrent—I'm not awed; I can get wet on Salisbury Plain. Why should I want to go abroad?

Some people love to ride upon A flashy Continental train; I'd rather go from Paddington To Mary Tavy or Moat Lane, The while cool gales shall fan my brain.

And when at last I've partly thawed, I'll raise once more my glad refrain : Why should I want to go abroad? , Bridges, with all my might and main Your patriotism I must applaud, And cry, though certified insane, Why hould I want to go abroad? Each spring our restless Britons, prone To wallow in tendentious stats., By letter and by telephone Go, by the hundred thousand, 'bats.' From mansions, bungalows and flats

They rush, ere winter's snows have thawed, Nor ask (the silly plutocrats) 'Why should I want to go abroad?'

To some outlandish clime, well known For harbouring far too many gnats, All in a trice the mutts have flown, With or without their puzzled brats. I for my part enjoy my chats With native Scotsmen, lantern-jawed, On trout and deer, thises and that— Why should I want to go abroad?

I hate the melancholy drone

Of aircraft and the fancy hats Of (oreign dames; 1 tprn to stone If anybody mentions G ATTs There's no piazza, plaza Aatz,

That finds me adequately wed, And as for foreign diplomats— Why should I want to go abroad?

Prince, your queer bands and acrobats Let whoso will praise and applaud: I have two large, black, cosy cats;

Why should I want to go abroad?