High life
For the record
Taki
Last year I was stuck in New York for New Year so, naturally, I was in a bad mood, and it showed in my first column of 1981 when I listed the people I wouldn't be talking to during that period. This year, however, things are different, I am back in the family fold, skiing in Gstaad, and, despite the horrors being perpetrated on the human race in the name of socialism, I am in a good enough mood to revert to my High Life awards for the past year. The jet set's top award, the Teddy Ken- nedy prize for underwater escapades, to the skipper of the Russian Whisky-class sub that ran aground in Swedish waters while carry- ing nuclear weapons, who claimed that his navigational equipment must have malfunc- tioned because he was really on his way to Cuba. The Dennis Skinner award for buffoon-like behaviour in Parliament to the clown who compared the treatment of the unions by the British government to that by the Polish one. The Thermopylae prize for courage above and beyond the call of duty to Michael Foot for fearlessly declaring that only by disarmament can we properly pro- tect our people. Also for taking such a courageous stand against the violent and militant Marxists in the Labour Party. The Victor Lownes trophy for Freudian slip of the year to Bella Abzug, the egregious old windbag who makes Shirley Williams look like Helen of Troy, for the following speech at an equal rights amendment in San Fran- cisco: 'We need laws to protect everyone, men, women, straights, gays, regardless of sexual perversion — uh, persuasion.' The Michael Foot citation for insensibility to ex- President Gerald Ford for telling ex- President Valery Giscard d'Estaing that he regretted never having visited France while he was President of the USA. In fact, Ford had attended a summit conference in that country in 1975. (Well, we can't win them all, Gerry.) The Clifford Irving honour blue ribbon to the Washington Post for Janet Cooke's story about an eight-year-old heroin addict who did not exist. Ben Bradlee, the intrepid editor, stuck by Cooke in exactly the same way that he stuck by Woodward and Bernstein and their story about a deep throat. (Bradlee, you clown.) And talking about Watergate, the David Owen riband for nepotism to Carl Bernstein for trying his best to hire Margaret Jay with the lure of a lucrative ABC television con- tract.
The Khomeini medal for compassion was easy to award this year. It goes to Libya's greatest charlatan, Muammar Gaddafi, for deciding not to kill any more Libyan dissidents living in exile, and reprieving President Reagan at the last minute. The Anthony Wedgwood Benn award for phoney liberalism to the New York Times for running an anti-Chile-and-Pinochet leader the day it was revealed that Poland's military government was not only killing people but installing Gulag-like terror in that martyred country. The Pravda golden prize award for truth goes to a perennial winner, as usual ... Pravda for writing the following item on Christmas Eve: 'On their own initiative working people work over- time. Thousands of people turned up volun- tarily in the streets on Saturday and Sunday to clear snow from the roads. There were also people with white-and-red armbands on their sleeves. These are workers patrols. The aim of such patrols is to assist in the protec- tion of public order.' (Poor Dr Goebbels. He must be turning in his grave.) The Fun couple of the year: John Warner and Elizabeth Taylor. Forget what you've been reading recently: they'll get back together again after her London run of Lit- tle Foxes, when his re-election time comes around. Funniest couple of the year: Those Emanuels who made the dress that we all watched on 29 July. False alarm of the year: Christina Onassis' s reported pregnancy. My God, how could 1 get it so wrong, especially after she swore to me that she was pregnant by a Greek rake. Event of the year: Victor Lownes's firing. Poetic Justice of the year: Victor Lownes's firing. Glutton of the year: Clement Freud. Social climber of the year: Sabrina Guinness. The Florence Nightingale award for altruist of the year goes to Bianca
Jagger for calling a press conference and pointing out the plight of the El Salvador refugees. Halston, too, was present. Groupie of the year: Charles Benson, for be- ing closer to Mick Jagger than even Jerry Hall. Hero of the year: Jeffrey Bernard for going to Manchester and making me out to be some sort of a hero.
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