No. 1196: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for descriptions from an imaginary mail-

order catalogue of at least five totally useless Christmas gifts.

I vividly recall the expression on the face of my aged father when he was presented by a relative with a device for stamping his in- itials on golf-balls. Fact, as ever, outruns fiction, as Monica G. Ribon domonstrated by kindly sending me a current Hamley's advertisement offering 'a Talking Fridge: open the door and a voice shrieks, "Ha!

Ha! You're eating again!" and other similar sayings.' If I had the energy I'd telephone the shop to ascertain what those similar sayings are, but I still have my Christmas shopping to do as well as my Santa job of distributing the prizes to you, so I shall hurry on. The three bonus bottles of Harvey's No. 1 Claret go to V. Ernest Cox for succeeding in making all five presents ridiculously useless. On top of that he gets £6, and every suggestion printed below him wins its inventor two pounds.

I must run now to buy my Uncle Barney the latest collector's item — `genuine fly- buttons of the Twenties and Thirties, gold- plated and mounted in a Plexiglass display case'. Thanks, Basil Ransome-Davies, for the brainwave.

Cat-lovers will be thrilled with a Cleanapet abrasive cat-sponge. Saves cats having to lick themselves, and much more hygienic. Purrfectl Please indicate ladies' or gents' model.

New! The Mono-colour Rubik Cube! All the fas- cination of the original — without the frustra- tion! Choose from red, blue or green.

Spent light-bulb holder. An attractive gift for busy householders. Finished in mock bamboo, this padded rack stores up to 12 blown light- bulbs until you can dispose of them.

Your house keeps you dry! Why not keep your house dry with a stylish house-jacket? Made from stout polythene, you can choose traditional red-brick or olde-worlde half-timbered pattern. Sizes: terrace, semi, detached.

Dirty doormat? Fit a Protecta doormat cover. Guaranteed to keep doormats free from dirt and mud. Woven in hessian, the cover features a charming portrait of Di and Charles.

(V. Ernest Cox)

For the handyman who rolls his own, why not buy the stztrk match-maker kit? In a leatherette pouch, there's a miniature axe, a block of fine plywood, and all the phosphorescent ingredients he needs for lighting-up time; for Mum, a chance to add a flash of colour to those humdrum household chores with a two-tone reversible duster; for the kids, a snazzy SNOWPERSON set, complete with hand-hewn chunks of English coal, and guaranteed jumble scarf and bowler (snow optional extra, freeze-packed), or if your little lass is a pony-trekker, how's about the Bar- bara Woodhouse GIZMO, especially designed to take horses' hooves out of stones!?

(Ellen Brigwell) Thermally heated dentarium, tastefully decorated in art nouveau or Royal Stuart tartan. Dentures delightfully warm for waking. No more Ice-cold gums for Gran! (George Moor) Get with the sages! Self-acupuncture kit with an- cient Chinese chart of the Pi Lin and full instruc- tions in Chinese, in amusing coffin-shaped box. (George Moor) Private Eye Book of Apologies. All those hilarious apologies, now in one easy-to-handle volume.

(Jim Yorke) Here's the first absolutely safe penknife, approv- ed by all pediatricians. Made entirely of fine rub- ber, it cannot hurt Baby. Swiss Army style with a multitude of gadgets.

(T. Griffiths) Nix. The noiseless, motionless, invisible toy for the hungover executive.

(I. C. Snell) Octagonal toenail-bank embellished with .or- molu. Save your parings for recycling and help your favourite charity. With family crest or col- lege colours.

(Charles Lyall) Christmas P-M Tension Sets — ideal for Her! Plastic chopper, rubber dagger and polystyrene cosh, plus instruction manual. All weapons feature robins and snowmen.

(Pascoe Polglaze) A real novelty for cyclists. A bell that swears in four languages! Hours of fun abusing foreigners on your continental cycling tour. (State mono or stereo.) (David Toley) Cut your own hair with Kwickie-Clippie electric rotary shears. Periscope attachment and convex mirrors. As used by leading footballers and TV personalities.

(Desmond) Telly-screen Cloth — in assorted colours and patterns to match any furnishing scheme. Just cover the set whenever you do not wish to view a particular programme.

(Harrison Everard) Country Garden Simulator. Transforms town garden into rural paradise with sounds of cuckoos, nightingales, combine-harvesters, sheep as well as scents of hay, apple blossom, manure etc.

(Pat Blackford)

A handsome Morocco-bound Index to the Ox- ford English Dictionafry. Indispensable and high- ly decorative addition to any library.

(Edward Samson) For hot summer nights — the easy-to-fill cold water bottle. Guaranteed to remain cool at least part of the night.

(Edward Samson) An exquisitely decorated bronze indoor sundial, with or without pedestal, to add charm to lounge or kitchen. Rotating fluorescent light included.

(Edward Samson)