YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
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Dear Mary.
Q. A close friend's teenage son has a mad- dening way of looking down at the carpet When he is speaking to one. How can I cure him of this affectation without appearing to tick him off?
Name withheld, Rutland A. Try telling the boy that, following a recent hunting accident, you have had an Operation on your neck. This means that You are unable to manoeuvre your head at all to make eye contact with other speakers and that, alas, he will therefore have to look you full in the face during conversa- tion.
Q. A colleague at work has fastened a cuck- oo clock to the wall dividing his room from mine, and in consequence I (and my clients) must endure, hour after hour, its fatuous song wafting through the wall. I have little doubt that he would remove it if I confronted him directly, but I do not want to make such a paltry and ungenerous protest (spring has, of course, just begun down here). What can I do?
TB., Sydney, Australia A. Why not tamper with the clock when you are alone in the office one night? Sharpen the cuckoo's beak with nail scissors and then extend its spring mechanism by several inches. It will only be a matter of time before someone has a minor accident as they duck to avoid the bird. The inevitable legal repercussions will soon ensure that your colleague removes the offending clock from his office wall.
Q. What is the etiquette on kissing when one arrives late at a dinner-party to find the other guests — with most of whom one is on kissing terms — already seated at the table? It happened to me recently that there were nine people already sitting down a table, some of whose backs were against a wall, and the whole business was very tense- making. Even worse, I once arrived too early for an after-dinner invitation and
found myself faced with about 50 people I knew still sitting at the U-shaped table.
G.O., London, SW6 A. The simplest solution is to wave your arms in the air camply and shout `CYK!' at the appropriate people as you take a seat. `CYK?' someone is bound to ask. 'What does that mean?' Consider Yourself Kissed!' you can reply. Everyone will be so grateful at having avoided the ungainly rit- ual of a table kissing they will be only too pleased to chuckle on with whatever topic they were engaged on.
Q. I cannot stand any of the usual words or expressions people use when noses need to be wiped. Can you recommend some which are acceptable?
MV., Wilts A. Why not refer to 'nasal detritus' when talking to adults and 'nose dirties' when talking to children?
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Mary Killen, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don, WCIN 2LL.
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