In the City

The presents they didn't get

Jock Bruce-Gardyne

The week between Christmas and the New Year is a time for reflection and digestion; an opportunity to enjoy the Christmas presents that we did receive, and also to reflect on those we might have liked to have, but did not get. So I thought I would try my hand at composing a list of those presents which the great and good might have liked to have been given, as well as one or two that others might have liked to give them but presumably did not dare. Readers are welcome to compile a rival list.

For the Prime Minister the choice offers an embarrassment of riches. An insurance policy on the life and job-security of Mr Ar- thur Scargill, for example. Or a parliamen- tary seat for Mr Wedgwood Benn. A bumper harvest, to bust the common agricultural policy quickly. Or a signed photograph of Mr Joe Wade of the Na- tional Graphical Association. And of course an amplifier for attachment to the Washington hotline. For Lord Whitelaw, to help him with his new responsibilities as Minister for the deflection of banana-skins, a pair of non-slip soles. And a referee's whistle for use at future meetings between the Treasury and the Department of Energy.

For Mr Nigel Lawson, an icy winter to help keep Opec on the rails. A one-way ticket to the Antipodes in the name of Mr Peter Walker. Or a brand-new monetary aggregate with guaranteed immunity to `Goodhart's law' (which asserts that the selection of a monetary target is enough to distort the performance of the components

of the monetary aggregate to which it ap- plies, so that the target will be missed or meaningless — or both).

For Peter Walker, a return ticket to the Antipodes, dated to coincide with the next increase in electricity prices.

For Mr Neil Kinnock, a bag of gob- stoppers. For Dr David Owen, a crop of by- elections. For Mr Edward Heath, an int- repid 'bus (for running down prime ministers). For Mr Norman Tebbit, a real bid for Inmos, and an announcement from Tokyo that Mr Ishihara of Nissan does not want to come to Britain after all.

For President Reagan, a meeting with Mr Marty Feldstein of his Council of Economic Advisers (and for Mr Marty Feldstein, ditto).

For President Mitterrand, an iron con- stitution, since as the next President of the European Council of Ministers he is going to need one. For Mr Robin Leigh- Pemberton (and this, I am afraid, comes in- to the second category of offering rather than the first), a Citibank bid for Midland Bank.

For the Government broker, Mr Nigel Althaus, a holiday.

For Sir Nicholas Goodison (or the senior partner of any other hitherto unaffianced firm of brokers you care to mention) a call from Goldman, Sachs or Merrill Lynch.

For Sir Campbell Fraser, President of Dunlop, a Pirelli calendar for auld lang syne.

For Sir Denis Mountain of Eagle Star, an Anglo-German dictionary.

For Sir Peter Green, the former chairman of Lloyds, a Restrictive Trade Practices (Lloyds) Bill, modelled on the Restrictive Trade Practices (Stock Exchange) Bill.

For Mr Peter Walters of BP, to console him for recent disappointments in Alaska, another oil rig contract for Scott Lithgow. For Lord Weinstock of GEC, a jump in interest rates.

For Sir Donald Barron of the Midland Bank, a close season for jokes about com- ing a Crocker.

For Mr Jeremy Rowe of London Brick, the return of the complete text of their evidence to the Monopolies Commission in support of their bid for Ibstock Johnson, for burning.

For Mr Clive Thornton, chairman-elect of Daily Mirror Newspapers, and formerly of the Abbey National, a bottle of tran- quillisers, to be taken before attending meetings of the Newspaper Proprietors Association.

For Mr Nigel Broackes and Mr Jeffrey Sterling, a job-swap.

For the shareholders in Nimslo, a session with the Northern Ireland Development Of- fice to establish the conditions for a joint investment in a manufacturing operation at Dunmurry, with NIDO putting in the cash, and Nimslo taking out the equity.

For Mr John Moore, the Treasury's Minister of Privatisation, a crystal ball to enable him to dispense with merchant bank advice and get the price and timing of the BT float spot on.

For Lord King of British Airways, a kilt of the Thompson tartan; and for Sir Adam Thompson, the appointment of Red Robbo as chief shop steward of the baggage handlers at Heathrow.

For Mr Ian McGregor, an indefinite con- tinuation of the NUM's ban on overtime; and for Mr Graham Day of British Ship- builders an all-out strike.

For the Law Society, a new survey of conveyancing, to be conducted by Mrs Rachel Waterhouse of the National Con- sumer Council.

It is difficult to know what to offer to Mr Tim Barker, the new Director-General of the Take-Over Panel. A guide to the laun- dry industry? Another Anglo-German dic- tionary to pair the one for Sir Denis Moun- tain? A floor-plan of the city offices of Messrs SG Warburg? Perhaps a quiet life would be the kindest and least likely pre- sent.

For the Committee of London Clearing Banks, an engraved and gold-mounted copy of Professor Harold Rose's exposition of the justice of a complete refund of the 1981 Bank levy — for onward transmission to the Chancellor in good time for the Budget.

For Professor Rowland Smith, a takeover bid for Lonrho mounted by a Tel Aviv-based conglomerate; and for Mr TinY Rowland, a recommendation from the Pro- fessor's medical adviser that he should cut down on his work-load.

For Mr Raper of St Piran, election to the Stock Exchange Council, and for Mr Christopher Moran, a similar reward froth Lloyds. For Lord Forte, an invitation from LadY Ellerman to meet her at the Savoy.

Finally, to all our subscribers, readers and advertisers, a prosperous New Year.