YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I have met a young lady and discovered that we have a mutual friend. This lady and I decided it would be nice to spend an evening with our friend, as she is literate, articulate and very good company. Unfor- tunately, she is encumbered at present by a boyfriend whom both I and my new acquaintance find oppressive, and who we both agree is totally unsuited to our talent- ed friend, despite his pretences towards Possessing faculties as refined as hers (as if this were justification for tagging along wherever she goes). I hasten to add that our friend is very sensitive and we would hate to do or say something which would hurt her feelings. But why should we be so cruelly denied the tonic of her companion- ship just because she has such bad taste in men? Please, Mary, would you suggest how, for just a single evening, we might get our friend to come out with us unencumbered by her poisonous little man?
Name and address withheld A. This very well-known dilemma is best solved by careful monitoring of the diaries of the couple involved. This can be done telephonically by your first young lady friend. Let's say the boyfriend's name is Buster. A casual 'So, what are your and Buster's plans for the next few weeks? Doing anything interesting? Do you see each other every night?' inserted into a lan- guorously extended call will usually release the information you need. 'Well, Buster's working next Tuesday night/going to visit his mother next Wednesday. . . .' She should pass no comment at the time; instead, pass the information on to you. This will enable you, a couple of days later, to ring your mutual friend and ask guile- lessly, 'Would you and Buster like to have supper on Tuesday or Wednesday?'
Q. Your advice to J.B. of Tite Street (7 August) to wear his boxer shorts back to front rather than swim nude when caught without a swimming costume might be acceptable in London but not in Australia. Perhaps Englishmen are more stylish in their choice of underwear. I have never had the desire to determine the truth of this. Especially inland, where I live, the under- garments of the Australian male are an aes- thetic affront or y-front: usually ultra-con- servative, yellowing with age and barely supported by crumbling elastic. In these cir- cumstances, having the 'horn of plenty' (as you delicately put it) on show is infinitely preferable to revolting old underwear. The well-bred Australian host or hostess, as the party warms up, instructs those wishing to swim to 'drop their daks'. Those who momentarily refrain due to culturally inap- propriate coyness can be dealt with by swift, determined and repeated tugs to the offending area. You must realise, Mary, that most Australian males — even the young, spunky ones — are so tanned and wrinkled from solar exposure that their nudity may pass entirely unnoticed at a social gathering and hence be inoffensive to even the most prudish. One merely assumes the person is wearing something unwashed, unbecoming and unironed.
L.A.L., Googon, NSW, Australia A. Thank you for treating us to this deeply enjoyable vignette of social life Down If you have a problem write to Dear Mao', clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC IN 2LL.
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