YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. A friend has invited me to stay for a few days in a Landmark Trust property he has rented. Does one bring a house present if not actually going to someone's own house?
A.St.C, Bath
A. House presents are by no means obligatory — even for own houses. Grandees and the elderly are taken aback by them. However, if you wish to bring a present, why not add an extra dimension to your host's heritage experience? A folding pruning-saw travels light and always goes down well with people who have taken Landmark Trust properties. Many of these are surprised to find that logs are not generally thrown in with the cost. Finding a local supply in a strange area can be nuisance-rich, but your pruning-saw, of the type which can cut through branches and twigs between four and six inches in diameter, will provide him with everything he needs to go scavenging in the local woodlands.
Q. I have stupidly agreed to appear on Any Questions? As the day looms closer, I realise how few solid opinions I actually have about anything. For instance, I have no fixed opinions on, nor knowledge of, the MMR jab. the Palestine Question, the euro, or an integrated transport policy, As I envisage my own performance contrasted with those of likely fellow-panellists such as Lord Hattersley, Oliver Letwin, Baroness Jay or Ken Follett, I realise I will come across as an apathetic numbskull. How can I avoid creating a bad impression?
Name and address withheld
A. Echo the opinions immediately before you but insert 'not' in front of your own opinions. If you are the panellist who has to kick off, begin by saying, 'Well, of course there are two sides to every story,' give the two sides and then add in portentous tones, 'But by and large I go along with Winston Churchill, who said, "A job isn't over till it's finished." If by any chance the audience still do not applaud, finish by calling for the return of capital punishment.
Q. I went to a lot of trouble this year to seek out decent Christmas presents for my five godchildren. I expected to have letters of gratitude almost by return but have as yet heard from only two of the recipients, and both of these communicated by email. Am I old-fashioned, or do you agree with me that an emailed thank-you letter is hardly worth the paper it is not written on?
TH.. London W11 A. Emailed thank-you letters from godchildren are unacceptable, and not only because an email smacks of too little effort proportionate to that of the present-giver. It is also because in today's climate of juvenile supremacy the email lacks authenticity of authorship and could easily have been fagged out to and written by one of the parents.
Q. I was given a box of Quality Street last week, a treat I have not experienced for years — but where is the cracknel?
G. W, Marlborough, Wiltshire A. People who have returned to Quality Street following the anxieties of II September have found to their chagrin they cannot find cracknel and that a lot of the familiar wrappings hide unfamiliar contents. Why have they dropped cracknel? Its loss represents further subversive and unnecessary changes to the familiar icons of the middle-class world. Soon, no doubt, the military figure with the plumed helmet on the packaging will be substituted with that of a lap-dancer. For the moment, try to be grateful for the survival of the noisette triangle and toffee penny.
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