Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Could do without the sort of nonsense I had to deal with this evening. Phone rang in middle of the big announcement and the operator said: 'Call from Newcastle. Will you accept the charges?'
Not so much as a thank-you when Bev from Labour came on the line. Just one insult after another about our 'sad little reshuffle. Caroline Spelman to rally the grassroots? I don't think so! George Osborne, election supremo? 0o, we're scared — NOT! Dave shows he's strong by sacking someone with floppy hair called Hugo? Pur-leeease!' etc. So much for Mr Brown being the Change, the New Politics, and Listening and Learning! Told her to get stuffed with knobs on and put the phone down.
She's right of course. Say what you like about the Brown people, they do talk a lot of sense. V sad about Mr Maude. We'll miss his grumpy face. He carried his Fair Trade cardboard box out of the office himself after giving us one last morale-boosting speech: told us Brown was going to eat us all alive. Everybody laughed and clapped. It was such a special moment Was v honoured that he took me aside after and gave me a special private word of advice, to go back to working in the art gallery while I still can. So thoughtful.
TUESDAY Mrs Spelperson has moved into the chairperson's office, which is now full of flowers and balloons, and cards with rainbows on! She smiles a lot, sometimes for no reason. During discussion of dire polls at morning meeting, she said in a weird dreamy voice: 'Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be better quite soon.'
Boring James says there's absolutely nothing wrong with her, except that she isn't a Tory. And that, of course, is no longer a bar to progress in the all-inclusive yet reassuringly reactionary Conservative party, as we are now styling ourselves.
All the same, we hid the letters from activists. Mrs S just doesn't look like she would know what a lot of the rude words in capital letters mean. Then we'd have to explain and it would just be embarrassing.
WEDNESDAY There's a v strange atmosphere around here. I feel quite heady. Like hayfever or something. Nigel says it's the Positivity Overload being radiated by Jed and Mrs Spelperson. He reckons that for safety reasons they ought never to be allowed in the building at the same time. Suzie pointed out that she's never seen them in a room together. Wonky Tom says this is just the law of physics — you can't put two positive magnet ends together or they push each other apart Sounds reasonable.
Might go off to the All-Faiths-and-None Prayer Room to say a quickie for Dave's first fight with Gordon. Everyone nervous. Jed convinced Team Gordo has dredged up embarrassing quotes from Dave from before he was Modem. Our Gordon Unit has been useless. As of late last night had come up with only two jokes which made the focus group laugh. Thankfully, Sam came up with some genius ideas this morning. We really ought to pay her.
THURSDAY Disaster. Thought we'd hidden all the activist letters, but Mrs S must have been foraging through the filing cabinets. When we found her she was in a terrible state, breathless and with wild, frightened eyes. Maybe it's best she knows the truth. . . .