High life
Rights and wrongs
Taki
They say that bragging about getting an election result right is on a par with boast- ing about the conquest of a lady — but they are wrong. Pundits invented it in order to be able to comment the moment after wip- ing egg from their faces. Just imagine how wonderful life would be if the soi disant experts were immediately fired after get- ting it wrong. Punditry, in fact, should be like the army, with pundits being relieved of their columns quicker than you can say Montgomery. America is full of these peo- ple, and PISS (pundits' interminable sod- den solecisms) is among its leading journal- istic societies. One who always comes to mind for never getting it right is Abie Rosenthal, of the Big Bagel Times. Abie writes only about Israel and China. He believes in birth control after birth — i.e., he'd like to see Israel do to the Palestinians what Hitler did to the Jews, and America do to the Chinese what Mao did to them.
Most American columnists have lofty assumptions of the moral high ground, but in reality they are vain, phoney, and con- sumed by self-importance and their hair dryers. In the words of Thomas Paine, 'They pity the plumage but forget the dying bird.' A large majority is liberal or left- wing, exhaling massive belches of PC jar- gon even when asleep. A less appealing bunch I have never come across outside Monte Carlo in the month of August.
No wonder my old enemy Christopher Hitchens feels so at home over there. Hitchens combines a blend of boastful assertions and contrived self-debasement — all meant to please those he deems pow- erful and useful. He uses his lefty creden- tials not unlike Madonna used her breasts. And he's very good at it. In fact, he is prob- ably the world's greatest social climber. He even discovered his Jewishness just as he emigrated to the Big Bagel some 15 years ago. Now that's what I call opportunism with a capital 0. But enough of those virtuosos of elusive rhetoric and eloquent vacuity. Over here, things ain't much better. Take, for exam- ple, the pock-marked Richard Ingrams, who was very correctly described in The Speccie's pages by a lady writer as the mas- ter of 'vindictive mendacity'. Ingrams has been consumed with envy and hatred for those richer and more successful than him- self. Successful with the fairer sex, that is. Jimmy Goldsmith is a red rag, of course, but happily it is Goldsmith who has gored Ingrams time and again.
A.A. Gill-Gill, too, was highly critical of the Referendum Party's Fiihrer. But A.A. was wrong to call Jimmy a Millwall yob who doesn't understand democracy. I was there and saw what happened. Everyone was being very English and civilised until the toe-sucker began to abuse Sir James ... for having money. That is when we began to shout him down and Jimmy simply clapped to the cries of 'off. Neither Jimmy nor I were about to turn the other cheek to a sore loser and bum like Mellor. And neither of us is a politician, scared to call a spade a spade, pun intended.
Others were no better. Craig Brown- Manure, a very witty writer for the Dail Telegraph, chose to point out certain of John Aspinall's physical defects. 'Cadaver- ous' is what I think he called him. A bit of advice from a lowly high life correspon- dent. If I looked like Brown-Manure I would never bring up the subject of looks. He makes Ian Slopout of Private Eye fame look almost normal.
And for fairness sake, I will also point a finger at our very own Brute Anderson. He and the sainted one got it as wrong as Woodrow Wyatt did. Brute's fault is that he had too much access to politicians in general and John Major in particular. A humble high life correspondent got it exactly right because I never speak to politicians, never hang around Conserva- tive party headquarters, always go to Annabel's and Harry's Bar, and always con- verse with the ladies of the ladies and the staff in general. Next election The Speccie should try my way and they will hit it right on the nose, no pun intended.
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