10 OCTOBER 1987, Page 52


Ad verse


IN Competition No. 1492 you were asked for an enterprising house agent's advertisement, in verse, offering a proper- ty of any sort.

There were so many potential prizewin- ners this week (Basil Ransome-Davies, Cadence Braking, Jean Hayes, Ginger Jelinek and Charles Mosley prominent among them) that I'm going to cut the cackle and leave as much space as possible for the deserving, none of whom, especial- ly Stephen Smyth, would have made much of a living as a house agent. All printed below win the curious sum of £11, and the bonus bottle of cask strength Glenfarclas whisky goes to Mortimer Spreader, for what my schoolmasters used to call 'good use of the imagination'. The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, clearly an excellent in- stitution, has our warmest thanks for generously sponsoring this and the pre- vious two competitions.

BR offers well-maintained tunnel Extending about half-a-mile.

The air is kept sweet by a funnel; Original rails; lots of style.

The culture of rhubarb or mushrooms Would need little cost and no change, But many exquisite and plush rooms Could also be made, or a range If you have a penchant for shooting; Or you could breed hedgehogs or bats (Or owls if you don't mind the hooting), Or store antique books, or build vats.

You won't freeze in winter or swelter In summer. There's lashings of scope.

It's the ideal nuclear shelter.

All tenders in sealed envelope.

(Mortimer Spreader) The Towers, an erotic poet's home, The House of Usher crossed with Ancient Rome, Including all the pets that you could need, Seeks Gothic owner — price to be agreed. The spiders' webs are Hammer Horror class. Two seagulls rap like Cathy at the glass. A banshee keens all night, cries 'Evermore' (It's Sonny Jim, their child: he eats for four). The hall's adorned with Cupids set in rows; Some still have wings, but most have lost their bows.

The moon-dial's slow, the belfry has no bell, A hundred pigeons squat in it as well.

An opening could be made for bats, no doubt — Potential's what this house is all about.

(Fiona Pitt-Kethley) Positioned in Minchington's Chelsea, With gas giving elegant heat, The bathroom is spacious, the border her- baceous, The attic an absolute treat.

Certificates cover essentials.

The damp was well dealt with (of course); The care of its owners is really a bonus (They're selling it for the divorce).

The outlook is pleasant and sunny, Affording the patio light: One scarcely believes if one looks at the eaves How the builders put everything right.

The buses leave twice on a Tuesday,

The bathroom is pink as a prawn; The area, we bet, is now certainly set For those sauna-fresh children unborn.

(Len Wellgerbil) Gloomy residential pad, Roomy, rheumy, slightly sad; Gutters leaking, Floorboards creaking; Present owner mildly mad.

Slowly rotting, going to waste, Can't be sold in too much haste; Complete aversion To conversion; Not to everybody's taste.

Adam ceiling gracefully curved, Dangerous structure, notice served; Cracking mortar, Dripping water; Much attention now deserved. (Stephen Smyth) This bijou Knightsbridge residence Is reasonably rated: hence,

Of course, it's not a large affair — A perfect doigt-de-pied-d-terre. We understand the property (Until of course extensively

Refurbished in the best of taste) Was formerly (facts must be faced) A store for brooms aryl vacuum-cleaners. Ideal for lunchtime misdemeanours, This well-appointed leasehold dwelling, Equipped with stylish Baby Belling And on the primest site in Britain, Has ample room to swing a kitten.

Price: offers are invited round About two hundred thousand pound.

(Peter Norman) On orders from the C. of E., Surplus to req., a rectory Convenient for M4 (and 3) Near Maidenhead.

Traditional structure; brick to wall; Mid-Vic. stained glass to porch and hall; Conservatory; 2 bath. In all 4 rec, 8 bed.

Suit clinic, hotel; prime location For transcendental meditation. Only 5 minutes from the station, St Etheldred (The church) is, sadly, now 'deceased' — Commuters need no village priest.

Offers by post — 1/2 mill, at least, Or phone instead.

(D. A. Prince)

No photograph can properly convey The view from this unusual terrace home; On clear days you can see the Icknield Way Across the sward of Luton Aerodrome. The through-lounge opens on a glazed-in yard, The spiral staircase leads, both up and down, To two bed and a nursery (window barred) And to the cellar (leased to the New Crown At £14 a year). The central heating Is run on methane (boiler in the attic) And on the mezzanine the dinette (seating Up to five people if they're acrobatic) Is one floor from the kitchen/cloaks (with shower) But handy for the bedrooms. Triple-glazing Means cosy warmth. There's also solar power For water. The (new) decor is amazing.

(Jermyn Thynne)