Pop music
The killer bottom
Marcus Berkmann
Aexclusively predicted in this column, Take That's radical new image has been greeted with dismay by the group's vast army of teeny female fans. They don't like the long hair, they don't like the goatee beards, and they particularly don't like Howard's bottom, whose lack of trouser coverage has recently received a compen- satory level of press coverage. Indeed, it seems that overnight Howard's bottom has become one of the most controversial and, in certain circles, reviled, bottoms to emerge in public life for some considerable time. It's one of pop's little ironies that, for most of us, Howard's bottom is far better known than Howard's surname.
But these are the vicissitudes groups suf- fer when, for reasons known only to them, they decide they want to be taken seriously. Take That no longer wish to be seen as safe and clean cut, even though the vagaries of pop market have demonstrated many times that that is where the money lies. No, they want to be dangerous and grow goatee beards. Fortunately, their sta- tus as teen idols is such that for the moment at least, they can do virtually any- thing they like and get away with it.
Nonetheless, such freedom does not last. Four out of five pre-pubescent poppets polled expressed dismay at the new image, and from dismay it's but a short step to posters being removed from bedroom walls, new singles peaking at number 22, the first vague hints of disharmony in the ranks and, eventually, shame and obscurity. The poll is the first sign that Take That, like all their many predecessors in teen affection, have a scream-by date. How grim it must be to be in that position. There you are, coining it, being followed everywhere by fun-sized lovelies, and yet within two years you know you'll be bearing more than just your bottom for the tabloids as the inside story of the Take That split is eager- ly consumed by an amused public. Eric Clapton knows that he can go away for a few years and do some gardening, and when he comes back he'll still be God. Take That, by contrast, must tour and record constantly.
Of course there are other pressures on the boys: sex, drugs and dodgy covers of old Barry Manilow records can take a sav- age toll as well. How swiftly youth is con- sumed by the music business. One day you look in the mirror and you're bright and vibrant, glowing with health and determi- nation. The next day you look in the mirror and you're Van Morrison. Already the Take That boys look desperately tired, and are getting noticeably snappy in interviews. Even their goatees appear to have been attacked by mange. Soon you won't be able to walk through a second-hand record shop Without seeing their albums piled up in their hundreds. This month, Q Magazine asked a number of second-hand record shops which albums they simply couldn't shift. Bros' Push was amongst the most recalcitrant. Such a prospect can hardly cheer the Take That boys as they rise this morning after another hard night's brows- ing and sluicing. It's a sad irony that the freedom created by their success may help bring that success to an end. But there are a couple of interesting pointers to their future, if indeed they have one. Singer, Gary, remains studiously unbearded, has yet to reveal his posterior to the nation, and is now writing a lot of the group's material, so a solo career cannot be far off. And, unlike most teen sensations of the past, the group have not just attracted the attention of small girls. Even before Howard's unseemly revelation, gay men were showing more than a passing interest in the boys. So if all falls apart, future career opportunities could beckon for all five group members. Bottoms up.
Previous page
