THE TIME FACTOR

By GORDON GANTRIE

"T IME," said the man in the blue muffler, "is a very important thing." And having made this profound remark, he favoured me with a steady glare.

"Oh, yes," I ventured at length, then, brightly : "Fourth dimen- sional and all that sort of thing?"

"I wasn't speaking dimensionally," he returned, "I only know the facts; I deal in facts ; in fact, you might say that I was a sort of fact factory!" He leaned back triumphantly, and with a glance around the carriage continued: "Where would we be without time, young man?" And receiving no reply, said : "I'll tell you: we wouldn't be anywhere! Today wouldn't be today, nor yesterday yesterday, nor tomorrow tomorrow ; there'd be no second, no minute, no hour, no day, no week, no month, no year, no century, no age, and no anything! " He glared at me again, defying me to upset his chrono- logical apple-cart, and then warmed to the attack : " D'you realise that everything runs to time? That you wouldn't be on this train now if you hadn't caught it on time? That whilst you sit there you are consuming units of time?"

Again receiving no reply, he answered himself : "No, of course you don't! Never given it a thought, have you? Never stopped to think that every word you read is printed to a time schedule ; every- thing you eat takes time to grow, time to cook, time to be digested ; that cinemas, theatres, buses, trains, trams, policemen, postmen, butchers, bakers, engine-drivers, workers, employers, kings, queens, government and all, are entirely controlled and their movements regulated by springs or pips, or pendulums or chimes, or electrical impulses, and before those things, hour-glasses and candles. Man is dependent on time! He's the slave of time and always will be " Here he paused for breath and to gather his forces, but was fore- stalled by an Obvious Psychologist in the corner seat : "One moment, sir," he said, "may I suggest that man is not entirely dependent upon time?"

" Oh? " queried Blue Muffler. "Well, sir, you may suggest just what you please, but I don't go in for suggestion myself ; I deal in facts!"

"Precisely," returned the 0.P., "but you seem to have got them wrong. The fact is, that time, as we know it, doesn't belong to here, or there, or anywhere ; it is merely the result of the natural desire of man to control and influence life upon this planet to the detriment of its inhabitants. Now you, sir, are most probably one of 'those men who shave with one eye on the clock and the other on your face, and what's the result? Why, the plaster on your chin."

Blue Muffler made a gurgling noise, and everyone in the carriage waited for the reply, but it didn't materialise, so the O.P. went on: "To see a man rushing madly along a platform, and throwing himself into a moving train, with his bag hurtling before him (he paused to give me a prolonged stare), is the most revolting and demoralising spectacle that anyone could witness; and, in addition (here he gave me an even nastier stare), to see that same man get out his half- consumed breakfast and proceed furtively to finish it off in public, is the natural manifestation of humanity's division of being into the thing called time."

At this juncture in the discourse I pulled my coat collar up and shrunk back into the cushion, but I was not to escape, for the O.P. went on at me: "Do you think, sir, that the world would end, or the sun cease shining if you arrived late at your place of business? Or are you of the opinion that because you arrive at'a stated period that business flourishes? "

I was stung to retort at this, and said : "If I didn't arrive at the proper time, sir, the boss would most probably find that he could get along quite well without me, and dispense with my services forthwith. Then the public rates would have to fill four hungry mouths and I'd be put to it to look for another job."

"So you practically admit you don't serve any useful function by serving Old Master Time? And that the work would go on without you? In addition, you've just suggested that you don't deserve the salary you draw."

"Here," I said, "hold on, I didn't say all that."

"No," said the 0.P., "but you suggested it." A murmur of assent ran round the carriage, but was brought up short by the intervention of Blue Muffler : "Suggestion," he said abstrusely, "is a doubtful quality. I prefer facts! I deal in facts. Not ifs or mights, or maybes or perhaps, or possiblys or per- chances or peradventures, but good, cold, hard, honest-to-goodness facts! The thin-looking gent (he meant me!) did not factually state that he obtained money falsely, but you suggested it, which gives me leave to say that the wish was father to the thought and grand- father to the utterance in the remark you just made, which was done so with the idea of discrediting anyone who was so obviously a slave of time as this man."

I positively grovelled at this, and said : "I am not a slave of time, sir, neither do I indulge in swindling my boss, and furthermore, I'd be glad if you'd keep your observations to yourself ! I only know that out on the prairie, pampas, and steppes, men don't worry about time ; they rise with the sun and turn in at sundown, and to them, next week's the same as the week after, and a month late or early doesn't matter a brass farthing ; also, they don't have to put up with people who suffer from time phobias in railway carriages ! " And having said my piece, I retired amid the mum-lured applause of my fellow travellers.

"Oh ho!" exclaimed Blue Muffler. "So we're forbidden to criticise, are we? Not to be allowed freedom of speech, eh? Tch, tch, here's a pretty situation as has got up, so to speak. I'm not aware that there's a law against free speech ; neither am I aware that there is in existence a Society for the Suppression of Conversation in Rail- way Carriages, and even if there is I don't care tuppence for it, and shan't hesitate to give my opinion regarding matters related to time as and when I please and feel fit or bound to do so!" Whereupon the O.P. steamed up and decided to splinter my shattered hull into as many pieces as possible.

"Come, come, my dear sir," he said, "no doubt your feelings are ruffled, but what matter, if by ruffling them we find ourselves able to arrive at a decision concerning the statement mooted by the gentleman in the blue muffler? I submit, sir, that you are bound, in the interests of agreeable debate, to allow yourself to be used as a specimen of the common man for the elucidation of the present discourse, and any objection on your part is mere petty selfishness."

By this time I was desperate, so I decided to create a diversion in order to spread dissension among the enemy, and by so doing avert the attack which was about to be launched, so I said : "Pardon me, gentlemen, but have you the correct time?"

This strategy exceeded my greatest expectations ; they were momentarily stunned, and then, as if by magic, out came half-a-dozen watches. Blue Muffler announced solemnly : "Precisely eight forty- five, sir," only to be contradicted by the 0.P., with : "I beg to differ, my watch says eight forty-one," followed by three other gentlemen with varying times. That got them going. One and another of them swearing by their particular timepieces, naming manufacturers, quoting instances, and, in short, discussing everything except me, upon which, at the next station, I left the train at excessive speed, twisting my ankle in the process.

Just to round the morning off, after I'd restored my ankle and boarded the next train, I arrived at the office an hour late, only to be summoned to "the carpet" for another lecture on the importance of time.

Did I mention it? It was my birthday, too, and jimmy (that's my crony) came up to present the staff's greetings and a small gift. Was it? I'll say it was. A damned wrist watch !