Lese-Majeste

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 436: Report by Russell Edwards

Competitors were invited to follow the tradition of investing monarchs with appropriate sobriquets by supplying three piquant titles and indicating briefly how they were earned.

PRIZES

(J. A. LINDON) BURPS OF BELLIMANIA

PRIMUS THE WET: This was Primus IV, that absent- minded but strong-willed ruler who declared war forgetting he had no army and so had to fight it himself. His royal barouche halting temporarily while on its way to the Fede, he stepped grandly out into a horse-trough which he had mistaken for the railway platform, and obstinately refused to return and change. MomUS LONGCOMBS Momus IL who married Lafkilda of Lunattica. Being arthritic, and wish- ing to conceal certain patellar deformities, he donned for his bridal night cotton combinations much too large for him, the 'cuffs' fastened beneath his knobbly knees with garters of the royal green. Lafkilda became suspicious, ordered their removal and expired of laughter soon after her husband had died of shame.

DOPIUS THE LATE: An overdue baby, who usually was, didn't get out of the way of an arrow promptly enough, and now permanently is.

(D. R. PEDDY)

HERWALD THE GRATE: HerWald'S title is not, as some maintain, an archaic spelling of 'Great.' Herwald became convinced, shortly after accession, that he was a fireplace; his chamberlain's daily duty was to clean and relight him. His death in the Great Fire of 1403 was widely mourned.

SERGEI THE SICK-MAKING: A Bright Young King, son of Otto the Blotto, who nearly involved his country in Waugh. Perfidia's Parliament became madly ungay when his debts added• 12 Klotts to the income-tax. He was deposed in favour of PEDRO THE PRECIOUS: Called the Archbishop of Cushia 'you darling man' at his Coronation. His vers Libre, published pseudonymously in the New Ruritanian, was as celebrated as his habit of travelling incognito and singing duets under ladies' balconies. In 1950 he abdicated, fled to England and joined the cast of King's Rhapsody —'a natural for the part' (Iv-r N-v-11-). WHAT a rich vein of hitherto unrecorded (R. A. MCKENZIE) decadence was struck here! Most biographers AKONDS OF SWAT would have earned at least a dose of the thumb- SHALID ANKABUT (Shalid the Spider): The spindly.

screws had the monarchs concerned got wind of legged son of Khalid Kund (Khalid the WM.

their efforts, but some relied overmuch on Fearing the web of his ministers he climbed the

unalloyed insult to achieve their effects, and titles great gopura of the temple of Siva, performed the of the King Willy the Wart-Hog variety did not score so heavily as those which conveyed in- woke screaming, bowstrung the unpopular slave

nuendo more subtly. I was looking also for who was sent in with only a few small cakes (ride

euphonious, though not necessarily alliterative, Lear) and promptly devoured three-quarters of a titles. Try some of these : Black Mamba pudding the size of a manhole' Abdul the Camel-Swallower (Colin Prestige), cover. (The Black Mamba is inedible.) In both title and description, too, I expected a in his bed and that sooner or later Kara. the certain basic credibility behind the fantasy. All Horrible One, would hatch out and seize him.This happened.

these desiderata are embodied very neatly, to my mind, in the character introduced by Peter Ustinov in Romanog and Juliet, that unfortunate Thomas the Impossible who was assassinated by 'an Albanian desperado disguised as a bunch of flowers.'

There were some ingenious founts of inspira- tion : cards (J. S. Fidgen), horticulture (W. H. Johnson), detective fiction (Granville Garley), ghosts (Nancy Gunter), formal logic (Gloria Prince), eggs (Areas), Runyon (B. R. Street), and even black pudding! (Lyndon Irving). Michael Robson deserves a very honourable mention for the ripe medimvalism of his language, and com- mendations go to the authors of the single extracts printed. Only J. A. Lindon, D. R. Peddy and R. A. McKenzie scored three palpable hits and they share the prize equally. Finally, any sensitive students of history who may read this are assured that any resemblance to their favourite national heroes is wholly under- standable. Indian rope-trick, and vanished.

FAZAL BHUKHA (Fazal the Hungry): One night he Nudistina the Altogether (D. Wylow), Valoroso SANDAL SHAHTUT (Mad Mulberry): Became 'roundly

the Vermiform (Alberick), Erik the Doddypate bent' as a result of finding a mulberry on his (H. A. C. Evans), Ursula the Hirsute (M. B. S. pillow and taking it for the egg of Kali, the Black Henry), Ludovic Flingpudding (Lyndon Irving), One. So distraught was he that he mislaid the thing.

and Cuthbert the Credulous (A. M. Sayers). and ever afterwards believed it to be somewhere

COM MENDED

HERBERT THE FILTH: The last of five kings of this line. His name, though in fact an admirable epithet for his court and habits, was due to a misprint on the part of the Court Biographer. (M. W. GRAY) Tiros THE NEW: Lapsus calami of an ancient his- torian. Correctly, the nickname was 'Newt,' from the well-known behaviour of this emperor at t banquets. (w. G. DAISH) LUCAS 1lI : Received the name of Anon, not because of anonymity but on account of his dullness, 'lucas a non lucendo.' (TWELLS) EDWARD THE EQUAL: Executed in 2002 for living on an income scale below the common level, thus defying his own equality decrees. (P. w. R. F001) PELACH THE PRICELESS: Upon accession kings of Quot were ritually weighed against golden kuchfs. Even at fifteen Pelach was so corpulent that crippling levies became necessary for the purpose. Revolts ensuing, the custom lapsed; the title was brilliantly coined to pacify Pelach both for humiliation and bankruptcy.

(RHODA TUCK POOK)

COLBERT CORKKNEES : His enemies accused him of trying to acquire sainthood by a foul. He re- mained in an attitude of devotion for 115 days. He was not, however, canonised in his own or anyone's lifetime. (DOROTHY WRIGHT) LOOFAH THE LISPER : His inability to enunciate with- out lisping led to his tragic death at an early age. His nurse, finding him floating on the goldfish pond, asked what he was doing. 'I'm thinking,' he. explained, so she smiled and left him there.

(MRS. B. BROCKLESBY)

CEDRIC THE COMPOST: During his early reign was notable for his rakish ways. In maturity, spade- bearded and fork-tongued, he had a cutting way with the weedy and sapless. Introduced muck- spreading (later called propaganda), hence his nickname. Destroyed by a plot of his own making and buried in a long barrow. (w. H. JOHNSON) DEIDRE THE DECIMAL: Greatest of Bahnhof's rulers, she was so diminutive that amongst her entourage she looked a mere dot; hence her nickname, which it is said she made a point of using.

(W. K. HOLMES)

ALOYSIUS ALFRESCO: His wits were always wandering so that he was not at home with state matters.

(PJBwoB)

ERIK THE DODDYPATE : Earned his name from his in- ability to distinguish between enemy hostages and envoys of friendly powers. This lack of discrim- ination more than once involved his kingdom in an unfortunate contretemps. (H. A. C. EVANS)