COMPETITION

Away from it all

Tom Castro

In Competition No. 1526 you were asked for an extract from a brochure offering bed and breakfast accommodation at some fictional household.

Landladies have a way of their own with the English language. The last b&b I stayed in had a nicely pedantic sign in the bedroom, 'No smoking in or on beds.' Some have more pretensions than others. When J.B. Morton was walking in Scot- land, he found 'in Sanquhar (pronounced Sanker) a temperance hotel which bore the notice Miss Sharp, Proprietrix. Stap me! What of the classics boys? Can I speak to the proprietrix, please?'

Some of you took 'household' pretty loosely, though that might have been for the best. P.I Fell had the Owl and the Pussycat setting up in business on an 'Island Paradise' and, according to George Moor, Mr and Mrs Mellors offer a 'frank, happy, relaxed Anglo-Saxon atmosphere' at the Cock Inn. George Simmers recom- mended those with children to sample the hospitality of Fagin's where children can pick up 'worthwhile career skills' — 'As one of last year's holidaymakers says, "Enjoy it? I was transported!"

Many of the more successful entries hinted, as holiday brochures are wont to do, of unknown horrors to come. Let us hope Jaspistos is faring better at his seaside digs.

The winners printed below get £15 each. By authority of the Count, the Department Superintendent hereby gives notice that THE CASTLE is now open for overnight accommoda- tion, comprising bed in relevant cases and, where applicable, breakfast. The Castle is situ- ated in a well-wooded and mountainous region; details of location will be supplied to successful applicants on production of appropriate docu- ments in person to the.resident castellan. The castellan I. and his wife J. are experl- enced in dealing with applicants, who should on arrival telephone the Castle from . the Village; further instructions may then be issued if the applicant can establish his identity. The application form should be complete:d and countersigned by three officials from the Ministry. No new application will be considered without the stamp of the castellan's office certifying satisfactory conduct during a previous visit.

The management reserves the right to vary all terms and conditions at discretion. (Noel Petty)

Spend an enchanting holiday weekend in simple rustic comfort at the former residence of MR SANDERS. At the retreat once occupied by this legendary gentleman, whose name still graces the porch, you will find an entrance that has been hand-crafted out of finest old forest oak, and a delightful ethnic English example of doorbell (now all too often, alas, superseded in this technocratic age!). Within this rural para- dise, the atmosphere hums with innocent excite- ment. Furniture is robust and attractively func- tional, and the many cupboards are filled with Useful Pots, suitable for every conceivable family requirement. From the front door, it is a short walk to the noble Six Pine Trees. Further afield, for enthusiasts, is the 100 Aker Wood. Or, you could try Rabbit's. Ref: PH/CR/AAM 2B Code: HFFLMP (See also TRESPASSERS WILL, p. 129)

(Nigel Blewrell) A fine example of Californian gothic architecture, the Bates Motel offers family-style accommodation at a price all can afford. Situ- ated away from the noise and fumes of freeway traffic, it provides the traveller with a unique haven of peace and solitude. Each chalet is equipped with a private shower, and in the main building guests can enjoy light snacks in traditional surroundings. Of special interest to ornithologists will be the impressive collection of stuffed birds.

The Bates Motel is run by a close mother-and- son partnership, though it is Norman who caters for all the practical needs of visitors, including the cleaning and servicing of the chalets.

Enjoy your stay, but please respect the privacy of the upper floors of the main house, which are the Bates' own living quarters.

(Basil Ransome-Davis) If you are exploring Scotland this summer, why not spend a night at Dunsinane Castle? There's no better place in which to knit up the ravelled sleave of care. The castle has a pleasant seat. You'll find that the air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto your gentle senses. As a distinguished guest recently remarked, the heaven's breath smells wooingly here. If you stay to dinner, you may meet him; he still makes regular appearances at our table. Then there's our famous porter. He'll make you roar with his distinctive brand of alternative comedy. Your every need will be, in the words of our hostess, 'provided for'. We even have no fewer than three astrologers permanently on hand for consultation — a facility much appreciated by our American guests. Your comfort and well- being are guaranteed. Complaints? What! In our house? (Keith Norman) Thinking of cruising round the Mediterranean and Greek Islands? For an unrepeatable experi- ence, spend a night on the unspoilt island of Aeaea. You'll never be the same again.

Ample accommodation in spacious stone-built mansion, surrounded by pleasant woodlands and near the sea. Log fires and hot baths a speciality. Delicious food to suit all tastes, wine, home-made cheese, honey and farm produce, personally supervised by the proprietress.

Opportunities to visit the home farm with its well-fed pedigree herd of porkers, and the Wildlife Park where lions, wolves and other animals enjoy almost unlimited freedom and cause positively no danger to visitors.

Come and watch an expert weaving tradition- al fabrics at the loom, or listen to a recital of local music. We can promise you that one night here will convince you that you'll be unable to tear yourself away.

Book now. Write to Mme Circe, Stone