Work and Freedom

Even small events that others might not notice I found hard to forget. In Auschwitz truly I had no reason to complain of boredom.

If an incident affected me too deeply I could not go straight home to my wife and children.

I would ride my horse till the terrible picture faded.

Often at night I would wander through the stables And seek relief among my beloved horses.

At home my thoughts, often and with no warning, Turned to such things. When I saw my children playing Or observed my wife's delight over our youngest I would walk out and stand beside the transports, The fire-pits, crematoriums, or gas-chambers.

My wife ascribed my gloom to some annoyance Connected with my work — but I was thinking, `How long will our happiness last?' I was not happy Once the mass exterminations had started.

My work, such unease aside, was never-ending, My colleagues untrustworthy, those above me Reluctant to understand or even to listen — Yet everyone thought the commandant's life was heaven.

My wife and children, true, were well looked after.

Her garden was a paradise of flowers.

The prisoners, trying no doubt to attract attention, Never once failed in little acts of kindness.

Not one of them, in our house, was badly treated: My wife would have loved to give the prisoners presents — And as for the children, they begged for cigarettes for them, Especially for those who worked in the garden and brought them Tortoises, martens, lizards, cats. Each Sunday We'd walk to the stables, never omitting the kennels Where the dogs were kept. My children loved all creatures But most of all our foal and our two horses.

In summer they splashed in the wading pool, but their greatest Joy was to bathe together with Daddy — who had Limited hours, alas, for these childish pleasures.

My wife said, 'Think of us, not only the service.'

How could she know what lay so heavily on me?

(It made life hard, this excessive sense of duty.) When Auschwitz was divided, Pohl in a kindly And quite exceptional gesture gave me the option — Perhaps as recompense for this last assignment To head DK or to run Sachsenhausen.

I had one day to decide. At first the thought of Uprooting myself from Auschwitz made me unhappy, So involved had I grown in its tasks and troubles. But in the end I was glad to gain my freedom. Vikram Seth.