YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. When I am eating a sandwich or a cer- tain sort of biscuit or cake and replace it somewhere during the process of inges- tion, I sometimes see that the imprint of my teeth is clearly marked on the item being devoured. Should I resort to using a knife and fork to cut such items into bite- sized pieces, or what do you recommend? I am sure you will agree with me that these telltale dental shapes are all too personal, revealing as they are of bridge- work in progress, etc. How can I avoid this embarrassment?
A.B., London W8 A. Before you start the eating procedure, ensure that you have access to a paper napkin. Casually trail this over the plate and, using sleight of hand, pass the half- eaten item under the napkin between bites to disguise the graphic evidence to which You refer.
Q. May I pass on a tip to readers who, like me, may enjoy winding up middle-aged or elderly people with whom they have been invited to stay in the country? I find that nothing beats the rise you can get out of front better than bringing them a present, Jona a poncy London organic shop, of a bunch of rosemary or mint. It sets even the most reserved of them screaming, 'But the garden's full of it! I can't believe you've spent good money!' etc. They fall for it every time.
C. W., London W11 A. I agree that wind-up would be effective, but there is no need to go the trouble of buying the herb. Just pick it from their own bushes when you get there.
Q. What is the drill when, just as one is about to walk into an important party, one sees a well-known gatecrasher looming in the street outside with an effusive greet- ing, clearly preparing to gain entry to the party by following in one's wake? This has happened to me on more than one occa- sion. It normally happens in London, of course, but the same gatecrasher, who is not a friend but who has certain friends which overlap with mine, has been known to travel as far afield as Yorkshire and the Hebrides to attend parties to which she has not been invited.
Name withheld, London W11 A. Outwit the gatecrasher by greeting her with equal effusiveness, then say, 'I'm not invited, are you? We'd better not all gate- crash together. Let's go in separately.' The presence of the gatecrasher you mention is often seen as something of a tribute to the party-giver since she only crashes the best ones. Gatecrashers in general should beware, however, lest they encounter the more direct approach towards them, as favoured by the East End criminal Dave Courtney. In his autobiography, Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off, Courtney describes his 40th birthday party earlier this year and what he did to 'these two geezers that gate- crashed the party, would you believe they walked in behind Babs Windsor and everyone thought they were with her. Turns out they weren't. I went over and asked who'd invited them. "What's it to you?" one of them said. Fucking cheek. So I gave them both the old swift one-two, they were carried out and we partied on as before.'
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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