SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 58

Report by R. Kennard Davis A prize of .0 was offered for a conversation on their respective masters between Sam Weller and Jeeves. • The number of entries was disappointingly small, and the effect of reading them has been to increase my respect for the achievement of the two authors whom the competitors were asked to imitate. Perhaps the gulf between the worlds of Dickens and Wodehouse is too wide to be bridged ; perhaps the limit of 250 words prevented any adequate development of the theme. At any rate, neither Sam nor Jeeves displayed his customary virtuosity to much advantage in the encounter. The former conscientiously interchanged his v's and w's, even to the extent of calling his interlocutor " Mr. Jeewes," which must have taxed like muscles of his jaw ; but he dropped into such neologisms as " bloke " and " tells 'ern off good and proper." As for Jeeves, the usual fruitiness of his vocabu- lary and his fund of apposite quotations from the English classics degenerated too often into a tiresome stiltedness of phraseology. I am afraid he had an off day. Possibly a more generous fish diet is indicated, to stimulate the grey matter ! The meeting between these two choice spirits did not generate the flow of soul for which I had hoped.

There were a few Wellerisms that showed gleams of verisimilitude. " Plenty pickings, eh ?—as the conwja said yen they showed him the oakum." " Twin brothers, as the man in the inn said, ven he tried to shake hands with his reflection in the glass." " Alvays glad to velcome a new face, as the hangman said ven he valked in to see the condemned man."

I recommend that the prize be divided between A. M. Sayers and R. S. Stanier. Margaret Usborn. and Frances Collingwood both deserve commendation.

PRIZES (A. M. SAYERS)

" How goes it vith -Mr: Vooster?" Sam askedamiably.

"Tolerably well, thank you. May I enquire after the health of Mr. Pickwick?"

"Cheerful as a cock robin, Mr. Jeeves,'vith figure and complexion conformable."

"So 1 have observed," said Jeeves. uld you agree. Mr. Weller. that, in spite of superficial differences, our gentlemen show a marked similarity of temperament?" " As like as two peas." said Sam. " JOHY and generous by natur'- and wenturesome, too, needing awerrflim hand." "Indubitably. I have often admired your tact, Mr. Weller, in averting the consequences of—certain indiscretions."

"If you wasn't on the spot," rejoined Sam ," your guv'nor would be married and buried inside of a month."

" Waiving the hyperbole," said Jeeves, " I confess to having acted in some measure as a guardian. In worldly matters many gentlemen display a child-like innocence."

" You never said a truer vord," Sam agreed. " A child-like innocence jined to an enquiring disposition, as the nurse said ven the baby svallered the cork-screw. My guv'nor aint no chicken, but he nearly got hisself hooked up to a vidow. Howsoever, vith luck I ought to manage to keep him straight from now onvards."

"There is naturally a greater hazard in my case," sighed Jeeves. " But if the worst comes to the worst, and I am calla upon to make a matri- monial choice for Mr. Wooster, I have every hope of giving reasonable satisfaction."

(R. S. STANIER)

" Oh, Me. Pickvick, Mr. Pickvick!" said Sam, removing his hat to scratch his head more expressively.

" I trust, Mr. Weller," said a tall, immaculately dressed man sympatheti- cally, " that your employer does not, like mine, occasion you much distress by his choice of hose."

" Vy, not partickerly, Pinstripe old feller, seein' as they're alvays a-covered up vith gaiters, and wot the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over, as the sausage-maker said as he wos a mincin' of the kittens. No, my guverner's the most benewolentest genTm'das ever yore spectacles, but his judgement does sometimes 1;6 out a wisitin'; and then some o' the rum customers he picks up is apt to keep me rayther busy a knocking of them down arterwards."

"True, the intellectual deficiencies of the employing classes all too frequently make recourse imperative to the gentleman's personal gentle- man, though my own assistance on these occasions has customarily been cerebral rather than pugilistic."

" Wery right and proper, old feller ; and comes cheaper on the claret, as the vaiter said yen he topped up the decanter vith raspberry winegar. Wot sort of capers does your guverner get up to? Anything in the vidder line?"

" Mr. Wooster is incapable of embarking upon any relationship without occasioning the emotions one would feel on seeing a weaned child about to lay its hand on a cockatrice's den, but I consider him relatively secure from widows, owing to the resemblance of the latter to aunts, a type of person to which he is markedly allergic."

HIGHLY COMMENDED (MARGARET USBORNE)

" Vell," said Sam, " it's a cosy sitivation but it ain't all porter and skittles bein' a gen'l'm'n's servant when. that gent'l'm'n's like the governcr —kind-hearted but uncommon exhaustin', as the black man said when they kept sendin' him pocket-ankerchers wot he didn't knovithe use of."

I endeavoured to conceal my distaste for such free talk, since a gentle- man's personal gentleman can learn much to his advantage and that of his master through contact with other servants.

" My own master is also of a somewhat volatile nature, particularly as regards his sartorial effects and his encounters with the opposite sex."

The man winked energetically. "He's way susceptible too, is the Hemperor. Widders wos 'his downfall, like one wos of my pore father."

" Mr. Wooster is, I am happy to say, a trifle young to be 'a prey to widowed ladies," I replied. " It is his female relatives and those of his friends who constitute the chief source of the difficulties from which I constantly endeavour, unobtrusively of course, to disembarrass him. I personally have no cause for complaint on a financial score, but I am of the opinion that gentlemen are much indebted, to their personal

gentlemen." '

- " Phew" said Sam, scratching his head. " If all that there means wot I think it does, bless your heart, I should rayther think they are."