Dear Mary. . .
Q. I face an intolerable dilemma and wonder if you can help. My spirits soared when friends invited me to fly out on their private plane and join them on their yacht for a tenday cruise through some of the most sublime waters of the world. As soon as I had accepted with huge enthusiasm, my hostess informed me of the identities of the handful of other guests who would accompany us. One of them is my total bete noire, a man who makes my flesh creep with irritation, and someone I consider to be something of a dodgy customer vis-a-vis criminal connections. Naturally, I could not tell her this but had to pretend to be pleased. I obviously cannot backpedal now and say that I cannot come after all, since she would smell a rat. Yet nor can I face the idea of spending ten days in close quarters with the man, pretending to find his company congenial. I challenge you to get me out of this, Mary.
Name and address withheld A. 1 challenge your own conscience. You must respond as frankly as you would to the smaller-time scenario of being invited by close friends to dinner in Camberwell with the same man. In that case you would undoubtedly say, 'Actually, much as I love you, do you mind if I don't come after all? He's my bete noire.' Were you to make the imaginative leap and say words to this effect to your billionaire friends, you might forgo this immediate pleasure cruise but would lay up treasures for yourself in future heavens. Surrounded as they are likely to be by yes-men and suckers-up, they would be thrilled by the novelty of your unsuperficial stance towards them. They would, no doubt, ask you again, this time offering to clear the list of fellow guests with you first.
Q. Spoilt children of close friends are adding to their stress levels by repeatedly playing 'Chopsticks' on a second-hand piano I gave them as a Christmas present. Now that parents are unable to use physical force to discipline their children, the couple's quality of life has been considerably diminished by my thoughtless act. What should Edo, Mary?
P. W., Ecchinswell, Berkshire A. Many Britons, like yourself, have quite forgotten that virtually all pianos are lock able. No doubt the key to your secondhand piano went missing long ago, but, since there arc only about three variations on piano lock styles, you can order a replacement for the nugatory fee of £11.75 by telephoning the Bristol Piano Company on 01275 834141. They will send you a selection to try, and you return those which don't work. Locking a piano cannot clinically count as child abuse, so your friends should be delighted by this followup present.
Q. What can one serve as pudding to the increasing number of guests who claim to be allergic to wheat and dairy products?
J.E, London SWI2 A. A variation on a Nigel Slater recipe for chocolate Brazil nut cake currently meets most fashionable needs. Whirr up in your Magimix 110g of sugar, 150g of Brazil nuts, 75g of white Flora and four egg yolks. Then stir in 100g of melted Waitrose 85 per cent cocoa content chocolate and four beaten egg whites. Cook in an eight-inch cake tin for ten minutes at gas mark 6, then 30 minutes at gas mark 4. Serve hot with chilled sheep's yoghurt as a lubricant. When served at a Balham dinner party recently, Pret A Manger king Julian Metcalfe and Lady Helen Taylor took home the recipe.
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