Television
Gushes and blushes
Wendy Cope
One of the week's silliest remarks came from Jonathan Ross on Did You See . . ? (BBC2). 'Whoever designed that set', he said, 'should be taken out and publicly disembowelled.' The set in ques- tion was the one used for the Pamela Armstrong chat show (BBC2) and it didn't look especially nice to me either. How- ever, I wouldn't go as far as Mr Ross. It seems that he, too, is a chat-show host and I must remember to watch his programme sometime. I hate to think what happens to any guest who turns in a poor perform- ance.
A few days earlier we were treated to The Variety Club Awards (BBC1), where idiotic remarks are de rigueur. Maureen Lipman said that appearing in a musical was a very effective contraceptive because it made her too tired for sex. She went on to suggest that the population problem could be solved overnight by casting the entire third world in a musical. Very droll. Fixed grins all round and pass quickly on to the next, please. To give credit where credit is due, Terry Wogan is good at hosting this kind of programme and he helped to keep the embarrassment level lower than it might have been. But it is not within his power to do anything about the acceptance speeches. Happily, John Cleese was one of this year's winners and he made the most of the opportunity to send up everybody else. He read his speech from a Piece of paper in a flat, bored tone of voice. 'Well, I want to thank everyone, especially director's name and writer's name and of course names of other mem- bers of the cast and especially the crew, Who were, well, wonderful. And, well, this is the most exciting moment of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you.' A performance like that ought to put a stop to all the gushing and blushing but I don't suppose it will.
Another award-winner was Cilia Black, ITV Personality of 1986. In this week's edition of Cilia's Surprise, Surprise (ITV) there was a surprise in store for a poet called Jason Twell. The television people had arranged for a composer to set Twell's work to music. He was then given the opportunity to perform it, complete with backing group, in a nightclub. I was green with envy. The song, a sad number about a man called Mr Jones, turned out to be quite enjoyable. 'He's alone,' went the chorus, 'On his own. Poor Mr Jones.'
Later the same evening I settled down to watch Mastermind (BBC1) alone. On my own. And in complete solitude. This is not, in my view, the best way to watch Master- mind. I like to call out the answers and keep my score and it all seems a bit pointless without an audience. On the other hand I was able, on this occasion, to give myself points for all the things I knew really but didn't say fast enough, a practice that has caused arguments in the past. I am very impressed by the courage of the People who appear on this programme. When someone does badly, as happened in one of the specialist rounds this week, it is painful to watch. Fortunately the contes- tant made a comeback on the general knowledge and ended up with a respect- able total. I have the impression that Magnus Magnusson reads the questions much more quickly to anyone who has fallen badly behind. Quite right too.
Fellow collectors of isolated bits of useless information might enjoy a late afternoon programme called Fax (BBC1), which can be seen on Tuesdays and Fri- days. I have learned among other things, that 13 per cent of the population is left-handed, that the figure on the front of a Rolls Royce is called 'the spirit of ecstasy' and that the Queen uses egg and lemon shampoo. Friday's edition featured Lesley Kenton, giving us the fax on the secret of eternal youth. This, of course, is useful information, so I will pass it on. Don't eat too much, get lots of exercise, learn to deal with stress, and have deep, close rela- tionships. Got that? Now you know.
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