Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Have drawn up shortlist of potential husbands. It is my Number One Priority to end my single status asap now that Being Married is official Conservative policy — not to mention a jolly good way of making a bit of extra cash from the super tax breaks! (L3,000 a year would cover my congestion charge so I could drive into town every day!) My tabloid paramour M is obviously top of the list although I have always felt it unlikely he will stop playing the field even for a rising star of the Incoming Compassionate Centreright Administration. Besides, there are now a few other 'candidates', shall we say — some of them in winnable seats!
Gary, our new comms director, started work officially today, although everyone knows he's been on stakeout in an unmarked car outside the building for the past two weeks. At least he's thorough.
TUESDAY Mrs Spelperson is turning out to be quite a drama queen. Lashing out all over the place at Morning Strategy Meeting. We were having a nice relaxed discussion about which associations need shutting down when she completely lost it and screamed: 'If I hear about any more skeletons in closets, well, I'm going to scream!'
Honestly! All she's got to do is get CCHQ ready to fight an election in ten weeks! Anyone would think Dave had asked her to walk on water. And it's not as if she has to do it on her own. Gids is planning the manifesto and Lord A is doing all the clever stuff with charts and maps, and taking care of money. Nigel says all this leaves her to do is manage the Lxxy's bagels order.
Saw Mr Maude today. He was wearing a tie. It's nice that he's moved on.
WEDNESDAY Bit hung over after night on tiles with Captain Smithy's team celebrating their Social Breakdown reports. They certainly know how to enjoy themselves! Lot of talk about 'cleansing the streets of fallen women'. Glad I only had five Bacardi Breezers or might have been swept up myself!
Had nice chat with one of them who knew everything there was to know about marriage. He's done it five times. Amazing Says it's the best thing ever, and about time the state recognised it. Confided in Poppy about my own marriage strategy and immediately wished I hadn't.
According to her, Toryboys are most complicated husband material on the planet. All that whispering sweet nothings about withdrawing from Europe every five minutes. . . ' She does talk in riddles.
THURSDAY Nigel just found Mrs Spelperson trying to break in to see Merlin, our new computer system which knows everything. No one sees Merlin. He's in a room with an encrypted door. Lord A is the only one with the code, and he only goes in at night. Wonky Tom claims he once hid in the office and heard him go in and Merlin say 'good evening, my Lord' in a chillingly polite but sarcastic voice.
Have a date tonight with guy called Rob I met at Centre for Alcoholic Studies bash last night. Was bit squiffy, but we had really nice chat about Captain Smithy's proposals for tax hike on beer and wine. He had northern accent and said he was 'on the left'. Sounds perfect!
Tamzin Lightwater invites compassionate, Dave-positive users of Facebook to visit her page on facebook.com.
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