YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I have been invited to a school reunion next month at glamorous premises in cen- tral London. How can I get my own back on an institution I have always loathed and detested?
Name and address withheld A. Simply go down to Cardboard City and recruit a distinguished-looking tramp of approximately your own age. Get him kit- ted up in a reasonable suit and one of your old school ties. Arrive at the party with the tramp. p He will soon make a splash in every sense of the word.
Q. Frequently, when attending social events such as wedding receptions in country houses, I have found myself in the position of being 'stuck in the lavatory' while waiting for an ancient cistern to refill. One knows that a queue is building up outside the door and one dreads having to run a gauntlet of 'Inpatient faces on emerging, but neither does one wish to leave a bowlful of, to put It crudely, champagne-drenched urine. What do you suggest, Mary? I know you Come from a medical background.
MS., London WI A. Always keep a tightly sealed bottle of green or blue food colouring about your Person when attending such events. Only hvo or three drops are necessary to recolour the whole contents of the bowl and give an agreeable illusion of hygiene and health to the next man in.
Q. A new au pair girl has just arrived in our house. She is fairly slim and for the first couple of weeks I was impressed to see her sitting down to healthy platefuls of grated carrots and the like. Now she has started to wolf her way through fridgeloads of food in a very unhealthy way, i.e., secretly. I know this, not just because loaf after loaf of bread has disappeared, but also because I have caught her reflection in the French win- dows leading off our kitchen and observed her standing at the fridge and simply throw- ing down a Toffee Crisp yoghurt, then hid- ing the empty carton in the bin. The girl may well have an eating disorder, but I can- not really afford the amounts she is con- suming. How should I tackle this problem?
Name and address withheld A. Take the au pair into your confidence and explain that you are worried that one of your children is developing an eating dis- order since so much food is inexplicably going missing. Ask her to help you keep an eye on their consumption levels. Once she realises that stocks are being monitored, she will have to reduce her levels of intake or at least be driven to finance the Elvising out of her own pocket.
Q. What can one do when, having flashed a flirtatious look at someone you consider yourself to be far more attractive than, you see an expression of shock horror come over their face? In my case it was doubly galling because I did not even genuinely fancy the man — a waiter in a restaurant I frequent. I was just being patronising. How can I regain face next time I go there?
Name and address withheld A. Next time you go to the restaurant greet the waiter in schoolmistressy fashion: 'How are we? Better than last time, I hope. Very long faces on that occasion!'
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
Mary Killen
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