COMPETITION

Driving test

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1518 you were in- vited to write a short story of approximate- ly 300 words with the above as title.

Whenever I set a competition that's a bummer, I wake in the middle of the night and know it before the entries arrive. So it proved in this case. Perhaps 300 words is an inherently impossible length for a short story, perhaps the subject is as hopelessly frayed as drunkenness or mothers-in-law; at all events I have never had such a lustreless collection of bad jokes and bor- ing reminiscences. Even transferring the test to the tee of a golf-course failed to amuse.

So we owe each other an apology. But I make no apology for awarding only two prizes this week. A clear winner, Basil Ransonie-Davies not only gets the bonus bottle of White Horse Whisky, presented by United Distillers Group, but also the most cash — £30. The other winner re- ceives £20 and David Heaton and the aptly pseudonymed Cadence Braking share a commendation.

He had a natural talent, I'll give him that. According to the print-out I got in my Examin- er's File most of his learning experience had been on 0-type skimmers, obsolete for at least eighteen months, but you'd never have guessed it. He slipped in his smart card and went through basic ignition procedure as though technology was in his genes. We're trained not to show affective response, so I had to look away through the plexiglass bubble as I smiled with approval. Earth looked nice. I could see the lopsided pear shape of Africa through drifts of atmospheric gas.

Anyhow. the way he started wasn't an acci- dent. There's driving, and there's creative driv- ing. Fm just a functionary. and I could never have negotiated the asteroid belts the way he did, but I know class when I see it. He wasn't more than fifteen, either. As I say, it's a natural gift. I got him to stop at a gastroport, just to check his braking: a fancy joint that sold the best tubes of Tastee-Chik I've tasted this side of Alpha Centauri, but he barely looked at the food. His hands and eyes wandered over the controls well, erotically is the only way I can put it.

He did flips, swerves, reverses, everything. His scores were practically off the graph, till finally I switched Off my mike and just let him follow the LED screen. I had nothing to teach him.

So it's a shame he blew it. We'd come to the final-phase testing when I got a coded no-no from the credit bank on my read-out. Can you believe it? He was only five grand short, still I had to fail him. I guess there'll be an inquiry: luckily I'm covered. The money side isn't my business, but it's no pay, no play. I have my orders.

(Basil Ransonie-Davies) 'Pass the marmalade, please.'

'I'm going for my test this afternoon.'

'What is it this time — your third?'

'I'm afraid so.'

'Never mind, dear. Just take it as it comes. You won't be the first to fail a driving test.'

'You realise this is my third driving test. sweetie?'

`Give me another kiss and I'll tell you whether you've passed.'

'Mmm...'

'Definitely failed. I'm afraid you're going to need many more lessons.'

'Oh, good!'

'Pass the cruet, please. Well dear, how did it go? As bad as that, was it?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'Nasty examiner? What was he like this time?'

'Very searching. Examined everything. Left nothing out. Obviously enjoying himself. He actually said I was going to need a lot more lessons!'

'Never mind, dear. You must just keep at it.' 'I intend to. I'll never give up, no matter how long it takes.'

'That's my girl! It's not your fault driving isn't your forte. I always say it comes more easily to men. It's a man's thing. You know what they say about women drivers. I must say I admire the way you take it with a smile. I have to admit if I was in your shoes I wouldn't be half so cheerful.'

'You're so understanding, darling. It makes it so much easier.'

'That's what marriage is all about, dear. That's what marriage is all about.'

'Yes, dear.'

'I look at it this way. All right, you aren't a natural driver, but sooner or later you will pass. I'm sure of that. In the meantime it gets you out. lets you take a breath of fresh air. I'm all for that and damn the expense! That's how I am.'

'I know, dear.'