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COMPETITION

Un-English Archery

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1958 you were invited to supply part of a script of an Archers programme in the year 2000, by which time it will be even less of 'a typical story of English life' than some critics think it is now.

Ambridge was indeed scarcely recognis- able, with its Porn Palace, Siamese quintu- plets, computer-assisted euthanasia, orgas- mometer for Ministry-approved tups, and Vegan Vigilantes. Simon Pemberton has been captured and released by aliens and the Bull (renamed the Cattle) is a shadow of its former self ('Quick, press that alarm — someone's lit a fag in the snug!').

I am sure that you will have noticed that our prize money, reflecting the prosperity of The Spectator, has risen to £25. So this week's winners, printed below, get an Ambridge 'pony' apiece, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Stephen Richards.

Shula: Dad! Come quick! The Mandela monu- ment on Lakey Hill's been blown up. What are we going to do?

Phil: I don't know how you're going to tell Lynda for a start. It was her dream for the Millennium Project. David: More to the point it's 50,000 euros down the Swanee.

Shula: We can't tell her yet. She's in Dublin researching Bloomsday for the Christmas panto. Jill: Tim and Jeremy down at the vicarage will be so upset.

Phil (chuckling): Uncle Tom won't be anyway. He's always bellyaching about the 'desecration' of Lakey Hill.

Jill: Didn't I tell you about Uncle Tom? I had to run him down to Felpersham General this morn- ing for his injection — on Richard's advice. Phil: How did he take it?

Jill: Oh, he grumbled a bit, as you might expect, but what with Prue's death and his arthritis life was hardly worth living for him.

David: Or for us.

Jill: David! (Stephen Richards) Gus: Your uncle's was first?

Mandy: No, second. Dad's came first. Gus: Then your brother? Mandy: I've got two brothers. Bob's came third. Yes, Bob's the one who mugged Mrs Pargetter, Stevie's came fifth.

Gus: And number four?

Mandy: Dunno. One of the village yobbos. Gus: The Vicar's is number ... ?

Mandy: Seven. Anyway, why are you bugging me like this? We women decide these things for our- selves. They're none of your business. Gus: Your last one will be my business. Mandy (shouting): Last? Who says it's my last? My ninth, you mean. You talk to me like that and you can f— off right now. Someone's using you to get at me, aren't they? Well, aren't they? Gus: All right, then. Your grandfather wants you to stop.

Mandy: The heartless old bugger! Gramps doesn't love me the least little bit. He's never

even interfered with me. (Denis Young)

Sid: They do say as how Mrs Antrobus has refused to take the veil! That Lynda Snell's already put out a circular 'bout the stoning. Eddie: Nah, Mrs Antrobus'll be all right, 'long as she keeps to the Sunni end of the village. Joe: Them Sunnis 'as to share a mullah with Felpersham and 'e's busy leading a jihad against Nelson's juice bar. I don't 'old with them nasty foreign juices myself. A pint of Shire's Old Passionfruit's good enough for me.

(A helicopter arrives)

Phil: Darlings! Gimme five, Eddie, 'love the rus-

tic bodysuit! The usual, Sid.

Sid: Half a kilo of best Bolivian grass coming up,

Mr Archer.

Phil: Gotta gig! Must fly!

(Helicopter leaves)

Sid: He's red-hot on that organ is Mr Archer.

Eddie: Yeah, But it's that Jill Archer on drums

who packs 'em in. 'Er and 'er python.

(Nick Syrett)

Jennifer (bleating): ... and look at St Stephen's — the very name alienating half the village. Surely Linda Snell could come up with an appro- priately female archetype....

Pat: Oh, drop it, Jennifer — that's so Seventies. Since it became a Spiritual Health Environment everyone calls it the SHE-centre. Anyway, that's not tonight's agenda. Where is Kathy?

(Noise of door bursting open)

Kathy: Sony, everyone. Honestly, men! Sid spent ages gossiping in the bar when I wanted to tell him about our new menstrual-cycle Wo- menu....

Usha: Like it! So, Item One.. , .

Pat: We're all agreed. It's offensive, degrades women and the differently oriented, reinforces stereotypes of aggressive masculinity, drags his- torico-sentimental cult-references into the 21st century, encourages socio-sexual polarisation, rejects feminist inputs, and emphasises fear and brute physicality. Kathy: OK, alternatives. I suggest `Milk-Mother'. `Cow' still has negative associations. Pat: That's a start. Any more suggestions for

renaming the Bull? (D.A. Prince)

Shula: Hallo, Mum! Where's Dad?

Jill: Borset FM sent a mini-cab. Janet Fisher had to cancel her Kids in Krisis phone-in. Your father's stepped in with an hour of Pacific Rim cookery. How as the prison, dear? Is Elizabeth all right?

Shula: Terribly upset, seeing Nigel like that. It does seem a bit harsh, Mum. After all, he was only staging a mock hunt meet for that pop video. It wasn't his fault the foxhounds he hired from Borchester Dog Rescue got over-excited and killed a rabbit.

Jill: Well, foxhunting is illegal now. And Nigel's speech from the dock on the freedoms of the squirearchy didn't go down well.

Shula: I know. What makes it worse is knowing Nigel's in the same prison as Simon Pemberton. It may be the law, but to me hunting will never be the same as child-molesting.

(Lynda MacKenzie)

No. 1961: Scientific breakthrough

One of these is reported almost daily (`Chewing Gum May Prevent Earache': the Times last week). You are invited to supply a newspaper report, more sensational than credible, of some such 'discovery'. Maxi- mum 120 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1961' by 28 November.