YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. On a recent trip to England from the Lot, I visited my brother-in-law (of whom I am very fond) in his rolling acres, and was given a chair to sit on round the family dinner table. I was not aware that this chair was a priceless antique and, inciden- tally, cleverly doubled as library steps when unfolded. As I sat on the chair it crumbled into a pile of sticks. I received a severe blow to the coccyx and a splinter in my right elbow. My offer to pay for the repair was refused. However, since then there have been snide little remarks which forced me at one stage to say jokingly that I had been on the point of suing for loss of earnings and the pain caused. What is the etiquette of repairing damage to one's host's property, when one was only using it for the purpose for which it had been designed? Incidentally, I weigh some 18 stone, which must be fairly obvious to the casual observer.
Name withheld, Montcuq, France 4. The normal protocol is that, though it is excruciating, a host should never charge his guest for damages incurred to his property while he is in the process of entertaining. It May be the case, however, that your broth- er-in-law has learned too late that anything can be repaired these days, yet he has dis- posed of the splinters. Perhaps he is 'pro- jecting' his own annoyance with himself for having done this onto you. In order to dis- courage any further comment, it might be best for you to adopt a more shamefaced approach when the next snide remark is made. `Oh, I'm so horribly fat and disgust- ing,' you should say. `It's all my own fault. If I carry on like this I'm not going to be invit- ed anywhere again. I really wouldn't blame you if you never asked me again, I feel so terrible every time I see . . . ' and more in this vein. Carry on for as long as it takes your brother-in-law to start insisting, `No, no, I won't hear another word about it. Of course you aren't disgusting. Of course it wasn't your fault. . . . ' In this way you will shame him into suppression. Q. I live in central London and am desirous to have a quiet winter with no party-going. How can I prevent my noisy neighbours from thinking I have turned into some sort of neurotic recluse?
Name withheld, SW3 A. Why not keep up your morale under the scrutiny of your neighbours by simply arranging for a number of gold party chairs to be delivered and collected by a catering company at variable intervals throughout the season?
Q. I live in the Kensington area. Often in the late lunch hour, I find myself walking past the long plate-glass windows of Kens- ington Place restaurant. What is the correct facial expression to wear on these occa- sions?
Name and address withheld A. Ideally, you should affect an insouciant air, but since this might well be confused with bitterness it may be best for you to appear preoccupied by starting to rummage in your pockets for an imaginary missing item as you begin to pass the window. Thus you will obviate the need to exude any `atti- tude' whatsoever.
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